Chanukah, Night Seven: Remixing Gangsta Culture

The dirtbags behind the shirt pictured on the left have borrowed the slogan "Stop Snitchin'" from the movie of the same name (note: the reviewer to whom I link is a complete idiot). "Stop Snitchin'" is part of an underground campaign led by drug dealers and members of gangs to scare anyone from reporting their activities to the police. The subtext of the message: snitches will need stitches.

Unaware of the irony, the vendors of the shirts claim that "Stop Snitchin'" is free speech, even though that free speech is being used to
silence others. Boston mayor Thomas Menino has announced a plan to have the city confiscate the shirts from stores, and the ACLU has opposed this plan, claiming that the shirts are protected speech. In my opinion. A couple of Boston vendors, after having spoken with the Mayor, have taken the shirts off their inventories.

While I do not recommend the purchase of a "Stop Snitchin'" t-shirt, I heartily recommend the Jewish remix: "Stop Kvetchin'"! They're on sale at CafePress.

Chrismukkah Dinner

A Christmas tradition at our house is the extended family Christmas dinner in which my aunts, uncles and cousins as well as friends of the family get together for a big dinner party, exchange Christmas gifts and often gather around the piano and sing. As our family gains new members, we add their traditions to the mix. Although Wendy was at last year's party, she's a full-fledged family member this year, and since Chanukah and Christmas are close to each other (and even overlap this year), we added Jewish traditions to the mix.

"Where can we put the menorah, Mom?" I asked, unpacking the stuff we brought to the party.

"Make some room for it on the mantel," she said.

I moved a couple of items aside and placed the menorah in the newly-created space.

"What do you think?" I asked Wendy.

She examined the new arrnagement of objects on the mantel and smiled.

"A menorah, placed between a nativity scene and a giant statue of the Virgin Mary. That's excellent!" and made the "thumbs up" sign.



Prior to dinner, we gathered in the living room to say a quick Grace, which was then followed by the menorah lighting. Wendy lit the candles, and both she and Jessie (a friend of the family, and the other Jewish woman married to an Asian man at the party) recited the prayers.

Dinner, like my family, came from all over. Among the dishes were:
  • Latkes, prepared by me and Wendy following Wendy's mom's recipe. This was the first year that Latkes appeared at the Christmas party, and it was the first dish to be completely eaten up.

  • Philippine-style ham, slow-roasted in a sweet and sour beer-based sauce, cooked by Mrs. Patricio, a long-time friend of the family and wife of one of the principal sponsors (a Filipino tradition) at our wedding.

  • Shrimp egg rolls, cooked by Jamie, my cousin by way of common-law marriage, who is Vietnamese.

  • Lengua, a Filipino stew made of ox or beef tongue in a savoury mushroom sauce, prepared by Uncle Mars and Auntie Patty.

  • Chocolate cheesecake made by my Aunt Kaye, who is of Scots descent.
I mentioned that at next year's party, my cousin Kara will have already married her Irish fiance Ryan (who'll move here) and that I'll make sure we have some Guinness on hand. I also got a nice Christmas card from my Korean in-laws and mentioned that  my cousin Barb in Ohio -- who's from the Irish-American branch of the family (we're related through my great-grandfather, James O'Hara) -- was asking for some information so she could complete her family tree research. Late that evening after everthing wound down, we got a long-distance call from Glasgow with a woman who spoke with a thick Scottish brogue. It was Aunt Reenie, who was asking to speak to Aunt Kaye, who had already left.

If variety is the spice of life, our family is one hot tamale.

The Boxing Day Shooting

A Little Background

Boxing Day, for those of you not familiar with it, is a statutory holiday in Canada (as well as the UK, Australia and New Zealand) that takes place on December 26th. While folklorists have debated its origins for years, it's associated with post-Christmas bargain sales these days. Stores typically open early and sell their wares at sale prices, often at drastic markdown. Most stores keep the sales going all week, but Boxing Day marks the start of the bargains -- and the crowds. Sales-wise, what the day after Thanksgiving is to Americans, the day after Christmas is to Canadians.

The Yonge/Dundas intersection has been big hangout for Accordion City teens since I was one. It's right on top of a subway station, which makes it very accessible. There's an H&M, a Gap, and an Old Navy all within falling distance of this intersection, and if you walk a block south, you'll also hit a Roots, Urban Outfitters and the entire Eaton Centre shopping mall.

Walk a block north to Yonge and Gould, and you'll be at the an intersection featuring HMV, Sam the Record Man and Sunrise Records, a Foot Locker, Pizza Pizza, Future Shop and a number of other clothing and electronics shops. For a teenager who's flush with a little extra Christmas gift cash, this is one of the go-to spots downtown (the other being my old neighbourhood, Queen Street West).

Needless to say, this intersection is always jam-packed with people on Boxing Day. During the unemployed Christmas of 2002, I busked the corner on Boxing Day and made $250 in about five hours.

The Shooting

On the afternoon of boxing day, a drive-by shooting took place at Yonge and Gould. Witness reports say that two men in a BMW were seen leaning out the windows and firing towards the sidewalk on the west side of the street. Although they were apparently firing at members of a rival gang, a number of innocent bystanders, including an off-duty police officer (who didn't have his sidearm with him, since he was off-duty), were injured. Worse still, a fifteen-year old girl, Jane Creba, was killed. She is the 78th homicide victim this year, 52 of which were shootings.





The two men who are believed to have been in the BMW were arrested some distance away from the shootings at Castle Frank station. One of them is 17 years old and under the Youth Criminal Justice Act, cannot be named. The other is 20-year old Andre Thompson, whose background reads like a character from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas:

Mr. Thompson, who remains in custody until his next court appearance, was released just before Christmas from Maplehurst prison near Milton, Ont.

He had served 30 days for his role in a convenience-store robbery.

For most of the past two years he had been staying with his cousin, Marsha Grant, 27, who has two young children and lives in a public housing complex in the Jane-Finch neighbourhood.

Mr. Thompson, the father of a one-year-old boy, had been working at a nearby restaurant as a chef.

Fresh from the joint, there's a "baby mama" somewhere in the picture, of no fixed address and couch-surfing in one of Toronto's most notorious 'hoods. This bodes ill.

The end of the article would be laughable if the story behind it weren't so tragic. Thompson's cousin, with whom he was staying, can't quite bring herself to believe that he was involved...

Ms. Grant said she was shocked to learn that he was caught up in the events on Yonge Street on Boxing Day, but she strongly doubts that he was the shooter.

"Andre would not be so stupid as to fire a gun into a crowd like that," she said.

...but at the same time, was kicking him out because the cops were keeping an eye on him.

She last saw him on Christmas Eve, when she told him he was no longer welcome to stay with her because of the constant police interest in his movements.

Look, lady, I know that sometimes one gets undue heat simply for not being white, but your cousin just finished 30 days for robbery and has been released into the community. It's the police's job to keep tabs on him.

An Inspiring Rant

Someone I know got started on a rather long-winded rant about the recent spate of shootings here in Accordion City, how immigrants were just taking advantage of our open society and how unsafe he felt since coming back from New York.

The "immigrants were just here to take advantage" remark was easy to tackle in his case. The reason he'd come back here from NYC was that he'd been deported. After living there illegally for the better part of a decade, he was stopped at the border after a quick visit here, unable to provide any sort of proof that his primary residence was here in Canada. (If you're wondering about what this person was like, I can summarize him without compromising his identity: caucasian of Anglo descent, works in marketing -- not the sort of person who gets charged with "flying while brown"). He may not have entered the country hidden in the back of cargo truck or started the work day by waiting for a truck to pick him up to take him to a below-minimum-wage odd job, but he was an illegal immigrant, there to take advantage just the same. In debate clubs everywhere, this sort of self-contradiction on the part of your debating opponent is called a "gift".

He did me a favour by ranting, however: he inspired me to go and dig deeper.

The Numbers

I'd been looking up homicide statistics for Toronto when my acquaintance began his rant, so I decided to expand my search to include New York City. At the same time, Wendy, who's from Boston, was remarking that her hometown experiencing a record number of homicides, so I began to look up Boston's numbers. Then, in order to get a better comparison, I decided to look up the same stats for an American city that is often said to be comparable to Toronto in terms of area and population: Chicago. The table below shows the data I was able to gather:

Homicides (1998 - 2005)

(Sources are listed at the end of this entry.)

YearBostonChicagoNew YorkToronto
19983470492456
19993164190349
20003963195261
20016666564661
20026064857560
20034159959661
20046444857265
2005 (so far)
7144451578


My Calculus prof used to always say that many math problems become much simpler if you "draw a pretty picture". I concur, so here's the tabular data above, plotted as a scatter graph with lines (click the graph to see it at full size):



With New York and Chicago in the picture, the y-axis scale which counts the number of homicides) is so large that the Boston and Toronto graphs look almost flat. To better visualize the data, I've made another scatter graph showing only the Boston and Toronto data (once again, click it to see it at full size):



The numbers took some time to gather. It seems as though many police departments are reticent when it comes to posting crime and especially violent crime stats online. In the end, I found that Googling newspaper articles for end-of-year crime tallies turned out to be my best approach.

Quick Analysis

I'll probably go over the numbers and would like some discussion over the next little while, but here's a quick analysis based on the numbers and a day or two's thinking about them.

New York has remarkably improved over the past 8 years. As you can see in the graph, there's a steady downward trend in the numbers. In the period covered by the graph, the number of homicides there has dropped by 44%. If you were to go back to 1990, this drop becomes way more dramatic: the drop from 1990's homicide count of 2,254 represents a decline in murders by over three-quarters. Chicago has also improved, with 37% fewer homicides between 1998 and now.

Toronto and Boston are experiencing the opposite: both cities are showing an upward trend in homicides. Over the same period, Toronto's murders have increased by 39% and Boston's by 108%.

Of course, these numbers would be more meaningful if applied as a ratio of homicides to population. Murder rates are most often measured in terms of murders per 100,000 population. Based on metropolitan populations (taken from Wikipedia), Toronto's 2005 murder rate to date is 1.5, while Boston's is 1.2. In the meantime, Chicago's is 4.8 and New York's is 2.3.

So far, we have the "what" behind the story. The "why", and more importantly, what I like to call the "Gideon Strauss Question" -- "what is to be done?" is going to take more time. I'll post more thoughts later, but in the meantime, if you have any opinions or even better, data, please feel free to put in your two cents in the comments.

Appendix: Where the Numbers Came From

Boston
ChicagoNew YorkToronto

Chanukah, Night Four: The Chanukah Song, Part II

It's rather odd that Eight Crazy Nights, Adam Sandler's animated film about Chanukah, has been translated into the languages of two out of three Axis powers, but it shows how far the world has come in sixty years. Well, that and the fact that the biggest Axis fans probably live in Montana and Saudi Arabia now.

I hear that the film isn't terribly good, but being good isn't necessarily what gets a work dubbed into other languages: I believe that Baywatch is still the number syndicated show worldwide.

More than one version of The Chanukah Song exists, each with a new set of celebrities who are at least part Jewish. Part III was written for the movie, but I unfortunately don't have it. What I do have and now pass on to you is The Chanukah Song Part II [3.7MB, MP3]. Here are its lyrics (which I found online and fixed for bad spelling and ee cummings damage)...
The Chanukah Song Part II

Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
So much fun-akah
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz
is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And Flashdance-r Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffman-akah
celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson:

Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby-Doo

Bob Dylan
was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
It's not pronounced Chah-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah

So read your Hooked on Phonic-kah
Get drunk in Tijuana-kah
If you really really wanna-kah
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

Chanukah, Night Three: The Chanukah Song

Adam Sandler first performed The Chanukah Song [3.3MB, MP3] on Saturday Night Live. Written to make Jewish children feel less isolated during Christmas season, The Chanukah Song  is essentially a laundry list of famous Jewish people, and it's my gift to you for the third night of Chanukah.  Enjoy!



It took me a while to find a lyrics page for the song that wasn't rife with ridiculous spelling mistakes or that stupid ee cummings non-capitalization (acceptable for poetry and programming only). For the greater benefit of the Internet, I present the lyrics with proper spelling, capitalization and hyperlinks.
The Chanukah Song

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much fun-ukah
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here’s a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me

David Lee Roth Lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli

Paul Newman’s
half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s half too
Put them together...what a fine lookin’ Jew!
You don’t need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
’Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (both Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke
It’s time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-ahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson: not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew (he converted)
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he’s not, but guess who is: all Three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn’t, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It’s time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonica
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah

So drink your gin and tonic-ah
And smoke your marijuana-kah
If you really, really wanna-kah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah

Chanukah, Night Two: "Stop! Hammer Time!" [Updated]

The best-known character in the story of Chanukah is Judah Maccabee, the leader of the revolt against the Greeks and Syrians who had outlawed the Jewish religion and defiled the temple. Maccabee was give the nickname "The Hammer" for his Buffy the Vampire Slayer-like ability to kick serious ass despite being heavily outnumbered. This leads me to today's theme, which is "Tough Guys named Hammer".

Pictured to the left is baseball hall of famer "Hammerin'" Hank Aaron, the home run king. In his career, he scored a whopping 755 home runs and as of this writing holds the records for total bases, extra-base hits and RBIs.

Stanley Kirk Burrell was a kid who acted as an assistant to the owner of the Oakland A's. Burrell bore a resemblance to Hank Aaron, which led the players to give him the nickname "Little Hammer". Burrell loved baseball and would've loved to have been a major league ballplayer, but he ended up being famous -- at least for a little while -- as the rapper MC Hammer. Although one might doubt his toughness, let me remind you that it takes a tough, tough man to wear those stupid pants on national television and not die of shame.

Another musical Hammer is Jan Hammer, best known for making the soundtrack and theme to that quintessential 1980s show, Miami Vice. Unlike most TV shows, where the music writers write "stock" theme music that gets used over and over again in the show's soundtrack, Hammer wrote a brand new score for every episode. That, along with his willingness to play keytar in public (which by the way, I do too) makes him a badass in my book.

Those lame-o's on any version of Law and Order and the science nerds from any flavour of CSI have nothing on the greatest TV detective of all time: Sledge Hammer! In this comedy that ran for a couple of years in the late 1980s, Sledge was a cop didn't care about those wussy little details of police work like investigating, gathering evidence or even yelling "Freeze!". He cared about what really mattered: filling perps with as many high-velocity slugs as his aim and magazine would allow. He often talked to his gun and had an unintentionally ironic catch phrase: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." This catch phrase would later be sampled as used in the Jesus Jones song Trust Me, the opening track on their bestselling album, Doubt (you know, the one with Right Here, Right Now).

Speaking of law enforcement comedies, here's one that's perfect for Chanukah: The Hebrew Hammer, a Jewish remix of "blaxploitation" movies like Shaft and Superfly. Here's the synopsis:
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, aka 'The Hebrew Hammer', is an Orthodox stud, who goes on a mission to save Hanukkah. When Santa Claus' evil son Damien is pushed over the edge by his father's liberal policies, he does away with the Christian patriarch. Subsequently stepping into his father's role, Damien launches a campaign to eradicate the Jewish Holiday. The Hammer joins forces with Esther, the gorgeous and dangerous daughter of the world's top Jewish leader, and his friend Mohammed, head of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front, to topple the evil Santa and save Hanukkah for future generations.
If you're looking for an entertaining Chanukah rental, steer clear of  Eight Crazy Nights (it's not one of Adam Sandler's better ones, and I have it on very good authority that it makes kids cry) and rent or buy The Hebrew Hammer on DVD.

For the second night of Chanukah, here are some hammer-themed gifts. First: U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer [4.0MB, MP3]. Feel free to put on some silly pants and do Hammer's trademark side-to-side shuffle as you light that menorah.

For those of you who are purists, here's the song that U Can't Touch This samples: Super Freak by Rick James [3.1MB, MP3].

And finally, here's a link to the Theme from "The Hebrew Hammer" [2.4MB, MP3].

Update: I watched a fair bit of professional wrestling back when I was in high school, back when characters like Randy "Macho Man" Savage, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Andre the Giant ruled the ring. That's why I felt some shame when MacDara Conroy pointed out in the comments that I neglected to mention a certain John Anthony Wisniski Jr., better known to wrestling fans everywhere as Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, whose signature moves included the figure 4 leglock, a number of awesome suplexes, "The Bionic Elbow" and his namesake, an elbow drop called "The Hammer".

Update: D'oh! Eldon emailed me, telling me that I'd missed the toughest of the fictional detectives called "Hammer", and it was his real name, not a nickname -- Mike Hammer, the creation of Mickey Spillane. Most of us remember the Stacy Keach version of the hardest of the hard-boiled private detectives (pictured here).

Chanukah, Night One: Is it the Jewish Christmas?

This is the first time that Wendy and I are celebrating Christmas and Chanukah as a married couple. Since she's Jewish and I'll celebrate any holiday as long as there's food and booze, I've extended the goodie giveaway started with the Accordion Guy Advent Calendar to include the eight nights that make up Chanukah.

The "Jewish Christmas" description is a poor description of Chanukah; whereas Christmas is considered to be one of the major holidays of the Christian faith, Chanukah is a minor one in Judaism. Calling Chanukah the Jewish analogue for Christmas is an exercise in making poor analogies. It would be like calling a Playstation Portable "the nerd's prom date" (it's overhyped, you want it in your pants, in the end, it's not as good as you expected it would be).

The traditional Jewish calendar, like the Chinese one, is based on lunar, rather than solar cycles. This means that like Chinese New year, the Gregorian Calendar (the calendar we use every day) date of Chanukah changes every year. This year, for the first time in fifty-ish years, Chanukah and Christmas fall on the same day.

While the origins of Christmas are reasonably well known (at least here in "The West"), many people don't know what Chanukah is all about. Here's a little hint for my fellow Gentiles: most Jewish holidays have a theme along the lines of "They tried to kill us; they failed; let's eat!" For a more specific explanation, I can point you to Judaism 101's page on the subject, but I thought it would be more fun to show you Steve Greenberg's comic, Is it the Jewish Christmas? [JPG file, 170K]