Richard (whom I also think would also make a good guest on my hypothetical fishing-and-talking-about-stuff show), in his blog Just a Gwai Lo, writes --  possibly seriously, possibly as an academic exercise in logic:

Eric seeks some free advice for how to help a co-worker who wants to date another co-worker. I can see at least 4 problems with this:

  1. He's asking for advice, which is also known as asking to be told what to do. It's odd for people in their twenties to want to be told what to do, having recently been teenagers and hating it when their parents did it. Also, people in their twenties—yes, there are exceptions—have bosses who tell them what to do too. Granted, they're (hopefully) being paid to do what the boss says, so there's at least a trade off. But why do it for free?
  2. If I get something for free, normally I'm happy. But I get a little nervous when that thing is ticking.
  3. He's asking for advice about something that doesn't benefit him directly. Oh, he'll get "gratitude" if he succeeds in getting the couple together, but a lot of times "gratitude" is another way of saying "why didn't I think of that?"
  4. Two co-workers who are not currently dating but at least one of which wishes to date the other: have fun with that cocktail.

Eric was nice and vague about the circumstances, wrapping the words tennis, date and Easter in quotes, no doubt inoculating himself from any of the above criticisms. I make them regardless.


Ah, "that which is paid for is by necessity better than that which was acquired for free." Let me counter with a line from one of John Keister's monologues from the show Almost Live!:

"Money cannot buy love. But it can rent you a lot of sex."

I'll take the free version over the paid-for stuff, thankyewverrahmuch.

Fielding opinions and abidicating the captaincy of the ship that is Your Life are two very different things. Asking for advice is not necessarily handing the wheel over to someone and saying "okay, you drive," but is often saying "Hey, this is a little out of my area of expertise, what do you think?" or "I want to see if there are any angles I haven't thought of".

Sometimes -- and I think you missed this, judging from some posts of yours that I'd read earlier (here's one that captures the spirit of these posts) -- when a friend, especially a woman, asks you to listen to their problems, the point is not to rattle off solutions, but just to be there to listen. Friend support is not tech support. Oftentimes, the therapeutic value is not in the response, but the talking out.

(And I needn't point out that being the "nice guy listener" as a romantic tactic rarely works.)

Don't dismiss "gratitude" so quickly. Take it from a schmoozemeister: it's a good thing. If you prefer a more pragmatic argument, remember that gratutide, goodwill, helpfulness and bonhomie are the currency of the market that is friendship and acquaintanceship. People remember how you made them feel as much as (or in a number of cases, more than) what you said.

As for "'gratitude' is another way of saying 'why didn't I think of that?'", I must ask you to imagine me with a megaphone saying: "Put down the Ayn Rand and back away from it slowly with your hands where I can see them. This is for your own good."

The fourth point will have to wait, as lunch break is over and I have to return to the business of helping make the best damned blogging software ever.