As you may recall, I mentioned that I was trashing the old love letters from my exes as part of a "housekeeping of the self" exercise. A couple of readers commented that chucking the old stuff might be something I regret later, and Richard "Just a Gwai Lo" Eriksson trackbacked me with a link his post in which he quotes a blog entry by Frank "Doorknob in a Train" Pan:
destroying physical evidence of a defunct relationship is for those with little control of their emotions or little storage space. i, on the other hand, do not disagree with the accusation that i am emotionally weak, considering that i had to break the cd of "diablo 2" in half in order to stop playing it. to purposely erase someone from my memory, especially someone i care about so much, is as damaging as ripping off both of my arms.Mind you, if you read the part of the entry before the quoted passage, you'll note that poor Frank can't even bring himself to throw away a Pepsi can that she left in his car. I hope for his sake that he's not sitting in the corner of his darkened room, emo rock blasting on the stereo as he curls up in a ball, naked, crying and clutching the can, reciting over and over: "This is her Pepsi can. There are many like it, but this one was hers..."
Pat Robertson: He's got a direct line to God, his finger on the pulse of the news, a longevity shake and relationship advice. Is there anything he can't do?
From The 700 Club's advice page, Bring It On: Love marriage and Sex, a question about whether you should keep love letters from exes after you get married:
Q: This past weekend my husband and I were cleaning our garage. We got in a fight when my husband found some old love letters I’ve been keeping from a past fiancé. He thinks I should be willing to throw them away, but I think I should keep them, because they’re a part of my past and who I am. What do you think?Be sure to peruse the rest of the page. Since it's the 700 Club, there's plenty of unintentional hilarity, including a question that begins "I’ve been married 27 years, but lately I’ve been having a difficult time with submission."
A: You decided to get married to this guy. You didn’t get married to the fiancé. You got married to your husband, and you and he have formed a life together. The part of your life that you’re holding onto is an emotional attachment to somebody you may have had a love affair with. And I don’t know how far it went beyond that, but your husband has every right to say, “You belong to me, and I belong to you. We’ve pledged to each other to live together forever, and I don’t want to share you with some dead guy or some past fiancé.” I think he’s absolutely right. That part of your life needs to be put aside. You don’t hold onto that. I’m sorry. I mean, it may sound like a treasured memento, but I don’t buy that.
(My answer: "Just tell your husband to 'forget' the safety word and turn up the juice on the cattle prod. You'll learn your rightful place before too long, honey.")
Office phone:
Google Talk:
Plus: for the old-fashioned & gallant, it is considered decent to destroy correspondence from affairs that have ended, or to return it to the author.
The recipient is not the only one who may have moved on-- or whose partner could be hurt by the stuff resurfacing someday.
Particularly if the exes have had the good fortune to remain close-- I know there is stuff that my exes' kids don't need to find in their houses or in mine.
BUT, I would have concerns about a relationship that didn't allow for enough privacy for each partners' personal artifacts. And, since past relationships are part of a person's reality, I would be suspicious of a relationship that's so flimsy that it's threatened by a few, silly old love letters ... within reason, it's probably a good policy is to destroy anything that you'd be embarrased to see circulated on the internet.
I've seen stuff my parents and grandparents kept from past romances, it was fun and helped me relate.
I think it's clear to the world (and, more importantly, to yourselves)that both you and Wendy are committed to each other. And, unlike the 700 Club couple, you're not insecure about evidence you weren't virgins when you met.
As long as you don't have a shrine of a past love in your bedroom, like Charlotte Haze in Lolita, I don't see the problem.
Q: Why did Jesus die on the cross?
A: He forgot the safeword.
I should probably turn off the computer. Looks like a lightning storm just started brewing outside. ;-)