Volvo-Driving Soccer Mom

This one goes out to all the moms I know — and future moms, especially the ones hardcore enough to post pictures of their ejected mucous plugs on the Internet — who partied hard but now have gone Seriously Domestic.

(Worry not, I didn’t link directly to the picture. The link is on Quinn’s blog, and I made the mistake of clicking to take a look. I couldn’t look away. It looked exactly like the Atkins-friendly almond butter-and-cream dessert I’d just had, which made the experience ten times worse. Thanks a lot, Quinn — after seeing that…thing, I’m different now.)

Someday, I’ll perform the boy’s version of this song on my accordion at Parent-Teacher Association meetings. To steal a line from St. Augustine: “Give me Domesticity…but not yet!”

Volvo-Driving Soccer Mom

by Everclear

from their new album “Slow Motion Daydream”

You know I used to be a bad girl

I got busy in the bathroom at my high school prom

I used to be a dancer at the local strip club

But now I know my right wing from my wrong

Yeah, yeah

I really used to be a bad girl

I had a threesome with my sister and her boyfriend Tom

Yes, I used to be a real wild child

But now I am a Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

I really used to be a bad girl

I got busted for possession of my wizard-shaped bong

I used to do the things they tell me not to do

But now I’m different–now I sing a new song

I really used to be a bad girl

I got gang-banged in the bathroom at my high school prom

Yes, I used to be a real wild child

But now I am a Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Where do all the porn stars go

W when the lights go down?

Wonder where all the porn stars go

‘Cause when you need one, they are never around

Heard they moved out to the suburbs

And now they’re blonde, bland, middle-class Republican wives

They’ve got blonde, bland, middle-class Republican children

And Blonde, bland, middle-class Republican lives

Where do all the porn stars go

When the lights go down

Wonder where all the porn stars go

They all become Volvo-driving soccer moms

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

Volvo-driving soccer mom

Nana nana nana nana nana nana

P.S.: No, none of the moms I know have ever made any adult films.

P.P.S.: Come to think of it, one of my exes could sing this song with very few changes to the lyrics. Damned accordion and damned hormones, they’ll be my undoing.