I am not a hipster

According to the Hipster Handbook’s Hipster test, I am only 53% hip. I might as well start wearing Sansabelt slacks now.

(Credit goes to Jane; I found the test through an entry in her blog.)

Here are the questions and my answers…

Question 1. The following describes your feelings about The Rapture.

1. I’m more into jam bands like The Disco Biscuits and Phish.

2. Their singles on DFA are deck.

3. I’m excited about ascending into heaven when Jesus returns.

4. What the heck is The Rapture?

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I heard of them because I cruise Epitonic regularly. Go check them out; it’s part of a complete musical breakfast.

As for Phish, they’re like the Grateful Dead, as far as I’m concerned: not a band to be tossed aside lightly, but hurled away with great force. Preferably into a spiky wall.

Question 2. You use aerosol deodorant.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Aerosol deodorant, owing to the fact that it’s a compressed liquid, is incredibly cold. Why punish yourself like that?

Question 3. You think your hair looks best after it has been styled with a blow dryer.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 4. You drive an SUV.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: No explanation needed.

Joey comments:

Two comments:

1. It’s a Honda CR-V that was handed down to me by my parents. Doesn’t that count as “hip” — not buying a car, but recycling one?

2. Clearly this test is based on white and not Asian or black notions of hip. Remember folks, these are people who put mayonnaise on everything, so any concept of “hip” is suspect.

Question 5. You own a pet that requires cedar chips.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 6. You have an arts degree from a private college.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Most Hipsters go to art school.

Joey comments:

This explains question 14.

Question 7. You would most likely use the following term to illustrate that something is cool:

1. Awesome

2. Bitchin

3. Deck

4. Cool Boots

5. Trippendicular

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I like the sound of “deck”, although “trippendicular”, while silly, sounds like something I’d say.

Question 8. When sending an email, instant message, or letter you emphasize a point by using exclamation marks or smiley faces.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

DECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Question 9. Which of the following most closely describes your temperament in social situations:

1. Complacent

2. Ready to Kick Some Ass

3. Confident

4. Perky

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Confidence and firm handshakes are for people who work in sales. Hipsters prefer to be self-deprecating, paranoid, and complacent.

Joey comments:

I chose confident because there was no option for “shameless”.

Question 10. You own a scooter or are considering purchasing one.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Scooters are to Hipsters what SUV’s are to mainstream America.

Joey comments:

I’ve been trying to get invited to a party thrown by the Screaming Mimis — a Toronto-based all-girl scooter club. Does that count?

Question 11. You are from Florida:

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

My housemate Paul, who went to university in Florida, has a lot of explaining to do.

Question 12. When going to see a live band, you do which of the following:

1. Dance or play air guitar

2. Stand in front of the stage with your arms crossed

3. I never go to see live music

4. Bum rush the mosh pit and start kicking some ass

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

No, answered like a true musician. I’m watching and listening very intently.

I have danced at Maceo Parker, Goldfinger and GWAR concerts.

Question 13. You would most likely subscribe to which magazine:

1. Harper’s

2. Redbook

3. Details

4. Maxim

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Maxim’s also an entertaining read, but it’s pretty much the same thing after 3 issues. Details used to be a more interesting read in the late ’80’s and early ’90’s; it’s now just a poor copy of Maxim. Redbook has nice slow cooker recipes.

Question 14. You receive money from your parents in the mail or have a trust fund.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Most Hipsters consider work to be an antiquated notion dear to an older generation. They prefer to live off their parents while they “freelance” and work on conceptual art in their studios.

Joey comments:

Ah, “trustafarians”.

Question 15. You have the most respect for which of the following:

1. Bono

2. John Ashcroft

3. Sarah Vowell

4. John Tesh

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):3

Explanation: Sarah Vowell rules. Hipsters like Sarah Silverman too.

Joey comments:

Sarah who? Oh, I see. We don’t get NPR up here in Canada.

Question 16. Which of the following would you definitely NOT say about emo:

1. It’s no coincidence the word emo kinda sounds like homo

2. I just love Tickle me Emo!

3. It’s refreshing because I am sick of irony

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Love it or hate it, Hipsters love to discuss the merit of emo.

Joey comments:

How many emo musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They’re content to cry in the dark.

Question 17. You are a vegan or vegetarian.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Some Hipsters eat meat, but being a vegan or vegetarian definitely wins points on the Hipster scale. Note: joining PETA and other hippie causes can cause Hipster depreciation.

Joey comments:

Without meat, we wouldn’t have evolved into a more intelligent species. It doesn’t take much brains to sneak up on a carrot.

Question 18. You have been to Disneyland or Disneyworld without your parents.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Hipsters prefer trips to Prague, France, or Seville. Theme parks and Sandals resorts are not popular with them.

Joey comments:

The only time I’ve been to Disneyland without my folks was in 2000 with the ultimate Disney amusement park fan, Cory Doctorow. He pointed out all the secrets of the place (for instance, in a line-up for any ride, take the left line. Studies have shown it moves 30% faster). He also walked around the place as if he were Walt himself, saying hello to all the castmembers (that’s what the staff are called) and reporting any malfunctions in the rides. He even knew the internal code names for each thing in each ride, so he could file these “bug reports” in Disneyspeak, which surprised the hell out of the castmembers.

As for other hipster vacation destinations: for New Year’s 2000, I stayed in a castle outside Prague. I demand extra hipster points!

Question 19. You went to see 8 Mile or Analyze That.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Well, I tried to see 8 Mile but the show was sold out.

Question 20. You have one the following hairdos; a faux-hawk, a fashion mullet, or a Betty Page style do.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: These are 3 very popular styles with Hipsters.

Question 21. You have read books by Martin Amis, Don Delillo, Dave Eggers, or Zadie Smith.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 22. When it comes to jewelry, you prefer gold to silver and platinum.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 23. You would most likely watch which of the following television shows:

1. Everybody Loves Raymond

2. Home Improvement

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm

4. The E! Channel’s Wild On!

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I watch very little TV — something in the neighbourhood of three or four hours a week, and we don’t get HBO. I hear that Curb Your Enthusiasm is a pretty entertaining show, though.

Question 24. You prefer a home or apartment that has:

1. Hardwood floors

2. Vinyl siding

3. Wood paneling

4. Wall-to-wall carpeting

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I have a home or apartment that has hardwood floors. Perhaps you’ve seen it on TV.

Question 25. You own at least one of the following: checkerboard Vans, a newsboy hat, a messenger bag, a John Deere style mesh cap, or a cigarette holder.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I have a messenger bag. On a bike, you can’t wear an accordion and a backpack at the same time.

Question 26. You like Noam Chomsky.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Like, yes. Agree with all the time, no.

Question 27. In the past 6 months, you’ve begun to think mustaches are pretty cool, in a kitschy way.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Looking like a 70’s porn star is a fashionable style for Hipsters these days.

Joey comments:

The most important porn star look that you should emulate is not on your face, but “below the equator”.

Question 28. Pick an appetizer from the sample menu below:

1. Poppers

2. Bruschetta

3. The Hungry Boy Fried Sampler

4. Wings

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Appetizers that can be ordered at TGI Friday’s are generally not the first choice for Hipsters.

Joey comments:

But wings are the most Atkins-friendly!

Question 29. You wear clothing made of polar fleece.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Polar fleece is fin.

Joey comments:

True, but it’s warm. I have only two polar fleece items: identical Eddie Bauer fleeces, one dark grey, one black, given to me for two consecutive Christmases by my aunt. They’re good jacket liners, especially in this cold winter.

I do find the polar-fleece-and-Teva faux-white-suburban-camper look annoying.

Question 30. Elephant 6 is which of the following:

1. A hip fashion brand

2. A type of condom

3. A music collective

4. A children’s movie

5. Slang for venereal disease

Answered like a true Hipster!