It’s all Nasreen’s fault

My friend Nasreen Rahmann grew up in Germany and as a result has German tastes in pop music.

Which means “none at all”.

(I kid, I kid. But really, where else would David Hasselhoff’s singles be elevated to number one on the charts?)

She was here for about five years working on her Ph.D. in biology, but that didn’t stop her from diving straight into the social scene here in Accordion City. She was one of the most enthusiastic regulars at the Bovine Sex Club’s Kickass Karaoke and had a knack for belting out some of the schmatziest adult contemporary tunes with gusto. Her favourite artist to cover was…urgh…Bonnie Tyler. I’ve seen her cover Bonnie a zillion times, each time as intensely as her first. She couldn’t get enough of ol’ Bonnie, while I usually feel great pain every time I hear her songs.

I didn’t realize how closely was I was listening to her until this afternoon when I took a break from some mad database coding to go buy some vegetables at Kensington Market. We eat a lot of vegetables for a bunch of non-hippie bachelors.

Kensington Market, for those of you not familiar with Toronto, is a charming bohemian mish-mash of old-style food markets (each one specializing in meats, fish, cheese, nuts and spices or fruits and vegetables), second-hand clothing and furniture stores, a couple of very boho cafes, specialty stores such as a head shop and an african drum shop and some offbeat restaurants. Many of the stores provide their own music, often putting their speakers outside their front door. Walking up the street I heard Cheap Trick’s Surrender (the only top 40 song to ever make mention of the Philippines) and Bob Marley’s Them Belly Full (But We Hungry).

At the fruit store on Augusta, I was picking through squash when I caught myself singing along to the crescendo of Total Eclipse of the Heart, which was blasting out the stereo speakers:

And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you’ll only hold me tight

We’ll be holding on forever

And we’ll only be making it right

Cause we’ll never be wrong together

One of the guys working at the store — a Chinese guy with that Dustin Nguyen 21 Jump Street haircut, probably a university student earning some extra cash — joined in, his arms open Broadway singer-style. I took a butternut squash and held it as I would a lover’s face and sang to it:

We can take it to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark

We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight

Forever’s gonna start tonight

Forever’s gonna start tonight

He turned to me and put his index finger to his lips because the closing chrous is supposed to be quiet.

Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I’m only falling apart

Nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there’s only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

We had a good laugh, after which he rang up my bill.

“That’ll be eighteen twenty-five. You do karaoke, don’t you?” he said.

“Yeah. Is it that obvious?”

“Karaoke people aren’t afraid of looking like retards. Nice singing with you.”

Why do I even know these lyrics?

Nasreen, this is all your fault.

(P.S. I still feel a lot better than this loser, who was a die-hard Lionel Richie fan for the longest time. I’ll bet he sings Say You, Say Me in the shower.)