Month: February 2003

If you live in lovely Accordion City and are in the mood for stepping out, you might want to check out…

Kickass Karaoke

Kickass Karaoke takes place this Wednesday at the world-famous Bovine Sex Club (recently featured on the Comedy Central/Comedy channel show Insomniac when the featured city was Toronto). Doors open at 9 and host Carson T. Foster says “come early and you’ll get to sing more!”

Be sure to check out the writeup that Kickass Karaoke recently got in Toronto’s alt-weekly NOW magazine.

Carson’s put the list of karaoke tracks he has online. You can see them listed by song title or by artist.

Lederhosen Lucil

Lederhosen Lucil, the cutest one-woman-several-cheesy-keyboards ska wonder in lederhosen comes to the newly-reopened El Mocambo this Friday. She goes on at 9:30.

I discovered Taiwan Beer while shopping for booze for the Chinese New Year’s party I recently threw. Hipsters hate anything that reeks of slick commercial packaging, and believe you me, Taiwan Beer has none of that. Feast your eyes on the utilitarian graphic design on the can:

Note the clean, large and readable sans-serif font for the English name, and the just-as-clean-and-even-larger Chinese name. The can also clearly (in real life, not in this blurry photo) tells the customer that:

• The product in the can actually is beer, and in English and French!
• The amount of alcohol by volume in the beer (4.7% — better than most American beers, not quite up there with Canadian beer)
• and most importantly, the name and address of the company that imported the beer

Finally, a beer that both hipsters and usability specialists can agree on!

I’m sure the Tsingtao Brewing Company refuses to recognize Taiwan Beer as a sovereign beverage.

Recommended reading

Don’t knock the packaging, copy it! The Maximum Entropy site has a page devoted to the Great Taiwan Beer Conspiracy, in which several other companies have ripped off the Taiwan Beer design. Gotta love the hilarious names for the knock-off beers too: the more generalized Asia Beer, Premium Beer, Superior Beer, Top One Beer, the honestly- (if bizarrely-) named Good Cornmeal Beer and my favourite, I Want Beer.

Of course, Taiwan is not the only Asian country with a beer with silly name. In the Philippines, we’ve got Beer Na Beer, which translates as “Very Beer”.

China should recognize Taiwanese sovereignty. After all, they meet the minimum requirements for being your own country, at least according to Frank Zappa, who once said:

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Taiwan Beer won the silver medal at the Brewing Industry International Awards 2002, held in the UK.

Would you believe that there’s a Taiwan Beer song? You can’t be a hipster unless it’s in your MP3 collection. It’s not the silly beer jingle you’d expect, but a Chinese garage band spectacular that starts off with a goofy boom-chuck rhythm but quickly turns into a good mosh pit tune that takes its inspiration from The Ramones. I’ve already listened to it half a dozen times.

(Make sure you’ve read this entry first.)

The scene: Thursday morning. A phone call.

H.: (sounding very rough) Yo…Joe?

Me: Hey, H. What’s up? You sound like you had a pretty good time last night.

H.: Too good…you know what I mean?

Me: Yeah.

H.: Did I say something…weird…last night?

Me: Something about a limo, perhaps?

H.: Heh heh heh…limo…I must’a been really drunk. Sorry ’bout that, Joe.

Easy come, easy go.

Remember the client from this blog entry?

Here’s how last night’s phone conversation with him went. I was calling to let him know that I was going to be at his office in half an hour to install some new software I’d written for him…

Me: Hey, H., it’s Joey. I’ll be over at your office in about half an hour. You’ll like what I’ve got for —

H.: Yo, buddy — [the rest lost in background noise]

The background has the sound of dozens of voices, male and female, some shouting and the clinking of glass.

Me: Can you speak, up, H.? I can’t hear you over the noise. You in a bar?

H.: Speak up, Joe! I can hardly hear you!

Me: I said, “Are you in a bar?”

H.: Yeah, I am. I’m celebrating! Me [garbled] broke up but [garbled] back on again [garbled] party [garbled] day off.

By now it’s obvious that the meeting’s going to be called off.

H.: So dude, let’s not meet tonight. How ’bout tomorrow at 5?

Me: Let me check.

I tap some keys my computer’s keyboard. This is a little phone conversation trick. I’m not actually looking anything up — I already know that I’m being interviewed by a marketing research firm at 5.

It’s just a phone tactic that:

a) gives me a few seconds to think before I commit to anything

b) makes me look really organized in front of the client

It’s doubtful he’ll hear it over the din at the bar, anyway.

Me: No good — I have a meeting with a marketing research firm then. How ’bout, say…(more tapping on the keyboard, I already know that I should be free by 8)…8?

H.: 8 is good. In fact, I’ll pick you up [garbled] — moe.

Me: It’s not a problem — you’re way out in Etobicoke (the westernmost part of Toronto, and I’m downtown). No need to go out of your way to fetch me.

H.: Didn’t you hear? In a limo. I got one for [garbled].

Me: Did you say limo?

H.: Yeah, dude — limo! Be ready — my buddy, who’s driving will get you at 8. We’re gonna party!

He’s the oddest client I’ve ever had, but hey, he pays on time and he’s always full of surprises.

H.: Here, lemme put on [garbled]…[in the background, to someone else] here, talk to my friend.

Girl: Hello? Are you coming with us tomorrow night? Please say you will.

Me: Uhm…yeah! Sure! I’m down.

Girl: Cool. Hey, I like your voice. [garbled] you in radio?

Me: Er…no. Computers.

Girl: And what’s your name?

Me: Joey. Joey deVilla.

Girl: Sounds kind of musical. Okay, see you tomorrow!

H.: So, Joe, you gotta promise me [garbled] out tomorrow night. It’ll be a [garbled] party! Ever [garbled] limo with chicks before?

Me: Oh, maybe once or twice…

H.: [garbled] call tomorrow [garbled] friend [garbled] eight [garbled] software [garbled] database [garbled] drunk [garbled] home by morning [garbled] call! Ciao!

Me: Hey, yeah, ciao.

I’m looking forward to tonight’s client meeting. Better pack the accordion.

According to the Hipster Handbook’s Hipster test, I am only 53% hip. I might as well start wearing Sansabelt slacks now.

(Credit goes to Jane; I found the test through an entry in her blog.)

Here are the questions and my answers…

Question 1. The following describes your feelings about The Rapture.

1. I’m more into jam bands like The Disco Biscuits and Phish.

2. Their singles on DFA are deck.

3. I’m excited about ascending into heaven when Jesus returns.

4. What the heck is The Rapture?

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I heard of them because I cruise Epitonic regularly. Go check them out; it’s part of a complete musical breakfast.

As for Phish, they’re like the Grateful Dead, as far as I’m concerned: not a band to be tossed aside lightly, but hurled away with great force. Preferably into a spiky wall.

Question 2. You use aerosol deodorant.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Aerosol deodorant, owing to the fact that it’s a compressed liquid, is incredibly cold. Why punish yourself like that?

Question 3. You think your hair looks best after it has been styled with a blow dryer.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 4. You drive an SUV.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: No explanation needed.

Joey comments:

Two comments:

1. It’s a Honda CR-V that was handed down to me by my parents. Doesn’t that count as “hip” — not buying a car, but recycling one?

2. Clearly this test is based on white and not Asian or black notions of hip. Remember folks, these are people who put mayonnaise on everything, so any concept of “hip” is suspect.

Question 5. You own a pet that requires cedar chips.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 6. You have an arts degree from a private college.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Most Hipsters go to art school.

Joey comments:

This explains question 14.

Question 7. You would most likely use the following term to illustrate that something is cool:

1. Awesome

2. Bitchin

3. Deck

4. Cool Boots

5. Trippendicular

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I like the sound of “deck”, although “trippendicular”, while silly, sounds like something I’d say.

Question 8. When sending an email, instant message, or letter you emphasize a point by using exclamation marks or smiley faces.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

DECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Question 9. Which of the following most closely describes your temperament in social situations:

1. Complacent

2. Ready to Kick Some Ass

3. Confident

4. Perky

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Confidence and firm handshakes are for people who work in sales. Hipsters prefer to be self-deprecating, paranoid, and complacent.

Joey comments:

I chose confident because there was no option for “shameless”.

Question 10. You own a scooter or are considering purchasing one.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Scooters are to Hipsters what SUV’s are to mainstream America.

Joey comments:

I’ve been trying to get invited to a party thrown by the Screaming Mimis — a Toronto-based all-girl scooter club. Does that count?

Question 11. You are from Florida:

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

My housemate Paul, who went to university in Florida, has a lot of explaining to do.

Question 12. When going to see a live band, you do which of the following:

1. Dance or play air guitar

2. Stand in front of the stage with your arms crossed

3. I never go to see live music

4. Bum rush the mosh pit and start kicking some ass

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

No, answered like a true musician. I’m watching and listening very intently.

I have danced at Maceo Parker, Goldfinger and GWAR concerts.

Question 13. You would most likely subscribe to which magazine:

1. Harper’s

2. Redbook

3. Details

4. Maxim

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Maxim’s also an entertaining read, but it’s pretty much the same thing after 3 issues. Details used to be a more interesting read in the late ’80’s and early ’90’s; it’s now just a poor copy of Maxim. Redbook has nice slow cooker recipes.

Question 14. You receive money from your parents in the mail or have a trust fund.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Most Hipsters consider work to be an antiquated notion dear to an older generation. They prefer to live off their parents while they “freelance” and work on conceptual art in their studios.

Joey comments:

Ah, “trustafarians”.

Question 15. You have the most respect for which of the following:

1. Bono

2. John Ashcroft

3. Sarah Vowell

4. John Tesh

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):3

Explanation: Sarah Vowell rules. Hipsters like Sarah Silverman too.

Joey comments:

Sarah who? Oh, I see. We don’t get NPR up here in Canada.

Question 16. Which of the following would you definitely NOT say about emo:

1. It’s no coincidence the word emo kinda sounds like homo

2. I just love Tickle me Emo!

3. It’s refreshing because I am sick of irony

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Love it or hate it, Hipsters love to discuss the merit of emo.

Joey comments:

How many emo musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They’re content to cry in the dark.

Question 17. You are a vegan or vegetarian.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Some Hipsters eat meat, but being a vegan or vegetarian definitely wins points on the Hipster scale. Note: joining PETA and other hippie causes can cause Hipster depreciation.

Joey comments:

Without meat, we wouldn’t have evolved into a more intelligent species. It doesn’t take much brains to sneak up on a carrot.

Question 18. You have been to Disneyland or Disneyworld without your parents.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Hipsters prefer trips to Prague, France, or Seville. Theme parks and Sandals resorts are not popular with them.

Joey comments:

The only time I’ve been to Disneyland without my folks was in 2000 with the ultimate Disney amusement park fan, Cory Doctorow. He pointed out all the secrets of the place (for instance, in a line-up for any ride, take the left line. Studies have shown it moves 30% faster). He also walked around the place as if he were Walt himself, saying hello to all the castmembers (that’s what the staff are called) and reporting any malfunctions in the rides. He even knew the internal code names for each thing in each ride, so he could file these “bug reports” in Disneyspeak, which surprised the hell out of the castmembers.

As for other hipster vacation destinations: for New Year’s 2000, I stayed in a castle outside Prague. I demand extra hipster points!

Question 19. You went to see 8 Mile or Analyze That.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Well, I tried to see 8 Mile but the show was sold out.

Question 20. You have one the following hairdos; a faux-hawk, a fashion mullet, or a Betty Page style do.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: These are 3 very popular styles with Hipsters.

Question 21. You have read books by Martin Amis, Don Delillo, Dave Eggers, or Zadie Smith.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 22. When it comes to jewelry, you prefer gold to silver and platinum.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 23. You would most likely watch which of the following television shows:

1. Everybody Loves Raymond

2. Home Improvement

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm

4. The E! Channel’s Wild On!

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I watch very little TV — something in the neighbourhood of three or four hours a week, and we don’t get HBO. I hear that Curb Your Enthusiasm is a pretty entertaining show, though.

Question 24. You prefer a home or apartment that has:

1. Hardwood floors

2. Vinyl siding

3. Wood paneling

4. Wall-to-wall carpeting

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I have a home or apartment that has hardwood floors. Perhaps you’ve seen it on TV.

Question 25. You own at least one of the following: checkerboard Vans, a newsboy hat, a messenger bag, a John Deere style mesh cap, or a cigarette holder.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I have a messenger bag. On a bike, you can’t wear an accordion and a backpack at the same time.

Question 26. You like Noam Chomsky.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Like, yes. Agree with all the time, no.

Question 27. In the past 6 months, you’ve begun to think mustaches are pretty cool, in a kitschy way.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Looking like a 70’s porn star is a fashionable style for Hipsters these days.

Joey comments:

The most important porn star look that you should emulate is not on your face, but “below the equator”.

Question 28. Pick an appetizer from the sample menu below:

1. Poppers

2. Bruschetta

3. The Hungry Boy Fried Sampler

4. Wings

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Appetizers that can be ordered at TGI Friday’s are generally not the first choice for Hipsters.

Joey comments:

But wings are the most Atkins-friendly!

Question 29. You wear clothing made of polar fleece.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Polar fleece is fin.

Joey comments:

True, but it’s warm. I have only two polar fleece items: identical Eddie Bauer fleeces, one dark grey, one black, given to me for two consecutive Christmases by my aunt. They’re good jacket liners, especially in this cold winter.

I do find the polar-fleece-and-Teva faux-white-suburban-camper look annoying.

Question 30. Elephant 6 is which of the following:

1. A hip fashion brand

2. A type of condom

3. A music collective

4. A children’s movie

5. Slang for venereal disease

Answered like a true Hipster!

Liz took photos of Chinese New Year’s party, and you can see the whole set here.

The photos are of:

• The inflatable sheep. Note that the manufacturers decided that it should appear as if it’s wearing lipstick. It’s those little niceties that make all the difference.
• My high school buddies Kevin and Henry and my unversity buddy Liz witness the power of Street Accordion Knowledge.
• Two shots of Will and Jen hamming it up for the camera.
• Harriet poses with the sheep.
• Jay looks too sober! Who are you and what have you done with the real Jay?
• Grown-up drink, meet grown-up couch. Harriet invokes the healing power of club soda.
• Rannie and Shayan shoot the breeze.

Once again, thanks for the photos, Liz! You’re always invited to any party I’m throwing.

On occasion I do like getting my fix of classic rock, but I think that for the next little while, they’re going to be playing Bowie’s Space Oddity (You know, “Ground control to Major Tom…”) over and over again.