Elegy (originally published Thursday, January 10, 2002)

The company for which I used to work provides a free lunch for all its employees on Thursday. It’s one of the last dot-com niceties we had given the company’s woes over the past year, and it’s also a chance for management to make general announcements and give the grunts the low-down on the status of company (with the requisite spin, of course). If it’s someone’s birthday that week, they bring in a cake. If someone got sacked, then our acting CEO — who used to be one of the partners at our Canadian vulture capitalist firm, and who replaced our original CEO after he got sacked — usually makes some kind of statement, coupled with some explanations if the sackee was a particularly skilled, beloved, or long-time member of the company. I like to think that I fit at least two and a half of these criteria, and guess that my “elegy” sounded something like this…

Acting CEO: Mmm, falafel.

VP R&D: You know, back at Corel, they had some pretty good falafel. I remember this one particular falafel sandwich I had while debugging the square-drawing tool in CorelDRAW! 6…

Acting CEO: (elbowing VP R&D) Later. (turning to rest of room) We had a difficult decision to make at the start of the year. While we do have enough money to ensure that we can complete the product and while the investors have turned around and believe that we can deliver, it’s been made clear to me that we need to cut some more costs. It was a tough call, but we had to let Joey go. It was particularly difficult because he was a good employee who had such a great attitude toward his work, even when things were really bad. However, as the project and programming requirements changed, he didn’t have the skill set…

VP R&D: (muttering) Punkass couldn’t even spell “MFC” a couple of months ago…

Acting CEO: …although he put in long hours trying to make sure he was caught up. He’s done a lot for the company — part of the reason we have a good relationship with people like Microsoft and O’Reilly is due to his programming some really excellent prototype UIs and his outstanding work as Director of Developer Relations. And of course, we’ll never forget all that TV exposure he got us with that crazy accordion of his.

VP R&D: (muttering) Bitch and his accordion. Part of why I left Romania was to get away from the fucking Gypsy Kings and fucking accordions.

John Henson (Chief Scientist, one of the last cool guys left): He was there when we made our first presentations to potential VCs, as well as big-ticket clients like eBay. He also led the team that released our first actual product, COLAvision, at DefCon 2000. He also made sure the new people felt welcome. (Sniffs, stifles a tear.) And he made friends with everybody…the P2P higher-ups at Microsoft, Tim O’Reilly, and (chokes) when we had our Christmas dinner at Medieval Times, he knew the guy who played our knight! (Sobs) I loved him! (Catches possible gay implication) …like a brother! Like a brother!

VP R&D: But we needed somebody who really knew it now. I tried to find different roles for him, but it didn’t work out. That, and he’s one of the old guard, he’s not part of my hand-picked team.

Programmer who replaced me: On first day here, Joey took me to Burger Czar and explained company heestory to me. Made me feel like long-time part of collective. Bozshe moi. Am feelink like dirt now.

John Henson: He was studying MFC pretty hard…he always had that big-ass MFC book with him wherever he went…

Sham (a co-worker of mine, great guy): I will wear a black hood, renounce chasing after loose women and cancel my subscription to Maxim in Joey’s honour!

Waterloo co-op student 1: Uh, if you’re just going to let that Maxim go to waste…

Waterloo co-op student 2: Does the new issue have Jolene Blalock? Subcommander T’Pol is a hot piece of Vulcan ass.

Waterloo co-op student 1: Shut up, Wesley! Seven of Nine is hotter.

Waterloo co-op student 2: You shut up!

John Midgely (another co-worker, also great guy): He gave me his Jesus clock! Depending on the angle you look at it, it shows either Jesus or Mary!

VP R&D: (to employees) On another note, I shaved my moustache. Doesn’t it make me look more resourceful and dynamic?

John Henson: Whenever I’d pick up Joey for the drive to work, all I had to do was ask him to buy me a coffee and he would. And not the cheap coffee, either, but the good dark roast. And he often threw in a cookie or muffin or biscotti. What a sweet guy. I’ll…(chokes)…I’ll miss him…(sobs)…I’m just gonna run over to my desk and stick a gun in my mouth right now…(runs out of room)

Sham: Remember the time he had all those Subway 2-for-1 coupons and he gave them to all of us so that we could have a nice lunch…for half price?! He’s a prince! A prince among men!

John Midgely: Sham, are you sure you can live without Maxim?

Sham: My God, what was I thinking? Can I take it back? Are we allowed take-backs?

(in the background, a shotgun fires, followed by a heavy “thump”.)

Acting CEO: And there’s the time he met this cute chick at the Matador and accidentally gave her my business card. Damn, that was funny. By the way, she called and we hooked up. I’m still partially crippled from that night.

VP R&D: (grumbling) Techno-peasant. Real Programmers don’t pick up chicks in bars.

Acting CEO: Shit, that girl did things to me my wife can’t even pronounce. Thanks, Joey.

Okay, maybe it didn’t happen that way.

(By the way, the bit about my giving the acting CEO’s business card to a woman at a bar is true. Read it in this posting.)