These quotes won’t be word-perfect, but they’re as close as I can get them.
David Letterman, recalling the birth of his son Harry last year, during which he was “a complete basket case”:
You know, I’m not a young guy. [Letterman’s in his late fifties.] I did some soul-searching and thought: “I’ll leave the country!”
Ed Helms on The Daily Show:
John, if you want to have gay sex or visit a library, tonight might be your last night to do it. Personally, I’m going to kill two birds with one stone.
How did I not know about the Joe Pesci Home Alone yule log stream until now?…
I’m enjoying exotic-to-me American cuisine (being Asian, I had a mashed-potato-deprived childhood) at Christmas dinner…
As the lyrics say, all is supposed to be merry and bright during the holidays,…
It’s not just another Sunday, but the Sunday leading up to Christmas! It’s that time…
Here’s wishing Alex Bruesewitz a speedy recovery — yes, he’s behind a racist lie that endangers…