(No, this article isn’t about same-sex marriage in Canada. The next one is.)
As you may recall, I mentioned that I was trashing the old love letters from my exes as part of a “housekeeping of the self” exercise. A couple of readers commented that chucking the old stuff might be something I regret later, and Richard “Just a Gwai Lo” Eriksson trackbacked me with a link his post in which he quotes a blog entry by Frank “Doorknob in a Train” Pan:
destroying physical evidence of a defunct relationship is for those
with little control of their emotions or little storage space. i, on
the other hand, do not disagree with the accusation that i am
emotionally weak, considering that i had to break the cd of “diablo 2”
in half in order to stop playing it. to purposely erase someone from my
memory, especially someone i care about so much, is as damaging as
ripping off both of my arms.
Mind you, if you read the part of the entry
before the quoted passage, you’ll note that poor Frank can’t even bring
himself to throw away a Pepsi can that she left in his car. I hope for
his sake that he’s not sitting in the corner of his darkened room, emo
rock blasting on the stereo as he curls up in a ball, naked,
crying and clutching the can, reciting over and over: “This is her Pepsi can. There are many like it, but this one was hers…”
Pat Robertson:
He’s got a direct line to God, his finger on the pulse of the news, a
longevity shake and relationship advice. Is there anything he can’t do?
From The 700 Club’s advice page, Bring It On: Love marriage and Sex, a question about whether you should keep love letters from exes after you get married:
Q: This past weekend my husband and I were cleaning our garage. We got
in a fight when my husband found some old love letters I’ve been
keeping from a past fiancé. He thinks I should be willing to throw them
away, but I think I should keep them, because they’re a part of my past
and who I am. What do you think?
A: You decided to get married to this guy. You didn’t get married to the
fiancé. You got married to your husband, and you and he have formed a
life together. The part of your life that you’re holding onto is an
emotional attachment to somebody you may have had a love affair with.
And I don’t know how far it went beyond that, but your husband has
every right to say, “You belong to me, and I belong to you. We’ve
pledged to each other to live together forever, and I don’t want to
share you with some dead guy or some past fiancé.” I think he’s
absolutely right. That part of your life needs to be put aside. You
don’t hold onto that. I’m sorry. I mean, it may sound like a treasured
memento, but I don’t buy that.
Be sure to peruse the rest of the page. Since it’s the 700
Club, there’s plenty of unintentional hilarity, including a question
that begins “I’ve been married 27 years, but lately I’ve been having a
difficult time with submission.”
(My answer: “Just tell your husband to ‘forget’ the safety word and
turn up the juice on the cattle prod. You’ll learn your rightful place
before too long, honey.”)
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View Comments
You and Pat are both right, I think.
Plus: for the old-fashioned & gallant, it is considered decent to destroy correspondence from affairs that have ended, or to return it to the author.
The recipient is not the only one who may have moved on-- or whose partner could be hurt by the stuff resurfacing someday.
Particularly if the exes have had the good fortune to remain close-- I know there is stuff that my exes' kids don't need to find in their houses or in mine.
I did write a short article subsequent to trackbacking, agreeing with the sentiment that it was a good idea to get rid of old love letters if, as in your case, you found the woman with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life with. What I didn't say in my little article was that I have a certain amount of regret in burning the cards and letters my ex gave me, since I've forgotten how she felt about me when we were friends and then whatever-it-was-we-were.
This is one thing that's a personal decision.
BUT, I would have concerns about a relationship that didn't allow for enough privacy for each partners' personal artifacts. And, since past relationships are part of a person's reality, I would be suspicious of a relationship that's so flimsy that it's threatened by a few, silly old love letters ... within reason, it's probably a good policy is to destroy anything that you'd be embarrased to see circulated on the internet.
I've seen stuff my parents and grandparents kept from past romances, it was fun and helped me relate.
If it's of any value, I'm with the people who believe in archiving. You may not agree today, but you will tomorrow.
I think it's clear to the world (and, more importantly, to yourselves)that both you and Wendy are committed to each other. And, unlike the 700 Club couple, you're not insecure about evidence you weren't virgins when you met.
As long as you don't have a shrine of a past love in your bedroom, like Charlotte Haze in Lolita, I don't see the problem.
I like the fact that the title of the 700 Club page is "Bring It On: Love, Marriage, and Sex," yet the "sex" part fails to make it into the permalink.
Of course they left out the best Q&A.
Q: Why did Jesus die on the cross?
A: He forgot the safeword.
I should probably turn off the computer. Looks like a lightning storm just started brewing outside. ;-)
Hello,
My name is Joel Russell. I have a soul winning testimony on how I found my life become new in 1979 watching the 700 club. I am a Veteran of the Vietnam War at its worst time. I have now written my 2nd book called Angels under Fire. It is due to hit the stores sometime in June. I have the movie rights up for grabs now. I find myself in a situation that seems impossible for me to return back to the World after being in a fire fight that took our company from 250 men to only 79 men in only four hours. After realizing that coming home alive would almost be impossible. I cried out to God and made a deal with him that if he would let me make it home alive I would live the rest of my life for him. Being a Catholic I did not know what it meant to be saved, and that you had to be saved in order to get into heaven. It took a head banging car crash to finally wake me up and bring back to mind the deal I made with God in Vietnam.
Looking for the truth after a church of God minister prayed that my eyes and ears be open to hear the truth that I might find my way to God. After that prayer God began to send born again believers across my path to wittness to me. My testimony is a little to long, but I want to thank Pat Roberson for praying with me one night while watching the 700 club. I became born again that night and my life totally changed. I finally knew what it meant to have Jesus come into my heart. That was in 1979.
My new novel Angels under Fire is due to come out in the stores. This book takes you through a some what fictional part of my life. I tried to make up for all the really bad times I had which I wrote about in the Book Of Joel, Book II. My 1998 biography . Both of these books are non stop action of my life including my complete soul winning testimony and a vision of the 2nd coming of Christ.