"Mystery Date" Hates Nerds!

The Mystery Date board game

I asked my sister about the sort of present I should get for her oldest son, who’s a very bright five-year-old, and she replied “board games”. I thought this was a good idea; while board games don’t have the flash of today’s videogames for kids, there’s still something about them that videogames can’t touch. They don’t need power or a TV set, they can be played just about anywhere, and they encourage social interaction the way most videogames — even the Wii, which can be a very social game console — can’t.

With my sister’s suggestion in mind, I went to the Toys ‘R’ Us closest to the office: the one at the Dufferin Mall (whose secret slogan is “You can’t call us ‘The Ghetto Mall’ anymore!”). While looking through the board games section, I found this:

It looks as though the old board game Mystery Date has undergone a facelift; I remember seeing the game in the 1970s (yes, I’m that old), back when the box looked like this:

Here’s a description of the game, courtesy of BoardGameGeek:

A large white door located in the centre of the board has five ‘dates’ waiting inside. Depending on how the doorknob is rotated, a different guy will ‘appear’ when the door is opened.

Players try to collect a set of four cards. Each set of four cards corresponds to one of the ‘dates’ hidden behind the door (apart from the infamous ‘dud’).

Gameplay is determined by the instructions on the square a particular player lands on. Cards may be taken from the draw or discard pile, or from other players. When a player holds a correct set of four cards and lands on an ‘open door’ square the door is opened, revealing the date.

If the cards do not correspond to the date, the player’s turn ends but their set of cards are retained. If the ‘dud’ date is revealed, all cards held by the player are lost and replaced with a fresh set from the draw pile.

If the correct date appears when the door is opened the game is over and the player opening the door wins the game.

This game was first released in a white box in 1965 and had a ‘groovy’ upgrade in the early seventies with new artwork.

The Back of the Box

Curious about the game, I decided to read the back of the box to find out what it was about. Boy, was I suprised when I saw this:

Who will you find when you open the mystery door? Click the picture to see it at full size.

Let’s take a closer look at the three dates. First is the “popular guy”, ready to take you on a snowboarding date…

Snowboarding Date with Steve-O McTokesalot

Many snowboarders do not make ideal dates. They’ll bore you to death about which resort has good runs and how skiers must die; they may not have the capacity to talk about anything else because they’ve liquefied their brains by listening to Danzig at high volumes on their iPods. Let’s not forget their weed habits, either — a lovely young lady I knew once dated a ‘boarder who smoked up so much that their nights of passion ended up being, shall we say, like spending hours trying to stuff a marshmallow into a parking meter. If you get my drift.

Prom Date with Preppy McSmug

Next on the list is smug guy in rented tux. I have always maintained that renting a tuxedo is like renting bowling shoes — except that with bowling shoes, the odds are that the previous renters didn’t throw up in them.

Smug Boy will probably spend more time admiring himself in the mirror than looking at his date. He’ll eventually go on to college to major in bird courses (I believe Americans call them “gut courses”), keggers and date rape.

The Nerd Date

Finally, a nice nerd boy, dressed like the guys from Weezer and sporting either a laptop or notepad. Unfortunately, he’s the “dud” date.

Speaking as a nerd, this is an outrage!

Snowboard boy’s probable fate is talking to high school kids about the dangers of drugs as part of his community service. Tuxedo boy will likely end up clawing his way up to middle management at the #5-rated office supply company. However, Nerd boy’s future prospects are pretty bright and speaking from experience and observation, nerds make better dates simply because they’re grateful to get one.

So forget Mystery Date, people. Go buy Trivial Pursuit instead. Better yet, go out with a nerd on a Mystery Science Theater 3000 date! You won’t regret it.