Year: 2008

Categories
It Happened to Me

Austin Travel Diary, Part 1: Pearson Airport

Check-in Woes

For my 7:00 a.m. flight to Austin (I’m flying there for South by Southwest Interactive), I arrived at the airport at 5:00 a.m., with my boarding passes already printed at home thanks to the modern miracle of web check-in. However, as soon as I arrived, I saw the word “retard” on the screen and knew that I was in trouble.

“Retard” is part of “En retard“, which then was replaced by its English equivalent: “Delayed”. To 9:30. Which meant that I’d miss my connecting flight in Cleveland.

To make matters worse, the line-up for Continental — which in Toronto is generally underserved and overcrowded at the best of times — was incredibly long.

Here’s a shot of the line in front of me:

A long airport check-in line ahead of meLine-up in front of me for Continental Airlines check-in at Pearson Terminal 3, today at 5:00 a.m..

and if you think that’s bad, here’s what the line behind me looked like after 20 minutes.

An even longer check-in line behind meLine-up behind me for Continental Airlines check-in, today at 5:20 a.m.

With only four ticketing agents and everyone’s schedules bunged up by yesterday’s snowstorm, it took a while to make it to the ticket counter. One hour and twenty-two minutes, to be precise.

The woman at the ticket counter had to work pretty hard to get me into Austin before Saturday. The only way to get me there was to fly me to Austin by first sending me to Cleveland, then Houston, then Austin, effectively turning a 6-hour trip into something approaching 14 hours. Good thing I have a whole unwatched season of Battlestar Galactica on the laptop.

U.S. Customs Knows Everything

“So,” said the customs agent as he read my file, “who do you work for now?”

“b5media,” I replied. “It’s my first day.”

He typed “b5media” on his keyboard and raised his eyebrows when he saw the resulting page.

“Have you…”, he said, with a little pause, “ever been refused entry to the United States?”

“Never, sir,” I replied.

“Not like some of your cohort.”

“Sir?”

“You get what I mean, right?” He said that with a nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more glance.

“I think so…”

“You know the person in question?”

“You mean my boss, Jeremy Wright?”

Jeremy had a run-in with the long finger of Homeland Security in what is now a now-infamous (at least in the blogosphere) incident with U.S. customs.

“That’s the one,” said the customs agent. “You don’t want that kind of trouble, especially since your wife is a U.S. citizen. He went for quite a spin.”

Yeah, I thought. On the end of some ignorant power-tripping Homeland Security goon’s finger.

He gave me another look, stamped my passport and said “That’ll be all. Enjoy your visit to the United States, sir.”

Man, those guys have a lot of info on me. I wouldn’t be surprised if they know what’s on my iPod and how I like my steaks done.

How Long It Took

Total time from arrival at airport to getting to my gate: 2 hours. Urgh.

Categories
Geek

The “Random Harlot Table” from the Original Dungeon Master’s Guide

The table below caused much snickering amongst my Dungeons and Dragons-playing peers in high school:

“Random Harlot” table from the original Dungeon Master’s Guide

Original Dungeon Master’s GuideIs it a description of Jarvis Street south of Carlton at night, or perhaps a random sampling of H&M’s clientele? Actually, it’s the Random Harlot Encounter Table from the Dungeon Master’s Guide, First Edition, written by the late Gary Gygax. It’s part of the section on random encounters in cities and towns. One of the possible encounter types listed was “harlot”, and stickler for details that Gygax was, he wrote this sub-table which described the sort of sex trade worker one could stumble into in a Lord of the Rings mileu.

Here’s what it says:

Harlot encounters can be with brazen strumpets or haughty courtesans, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a dancer only prostituting herself as it pleases her, an elderly madam, or even a pimp.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the harlot is 30% likely to know valuable information, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or with with, a thief. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of harlot encounter takes place:

00 – 10 Slovenly trull
11 – 25 Brazen strumpet
26 – 35 Cheap trollop
36 – 50 Typical streetwalker
51 – 65 Saucy tart
66 – 75 Wanton wench
76 – 85 Expensive doxy
86 – 90 Haughty courtesan
91 – 92 Aged madam
93 – 94 Wealthy procuress
95 – 98 Sly pimp
99 – 00 Rich panderer

An expensive doxy will resemble a gentlewoman, a haughty courtesan a noblewoman, the other harlots might be mistaken for goodwives and so forth.

All in all, Dungeons and Dragons prepared a lot of us for business in the high-tech world.

Needless to say, some of us didn’t quite get what this table was until we looked up “harlot”. You have to remember that this was the late 70s and early 80s, a decade before the World Wide Web, when you had to scour the woods and ravines for free porn. (For some reason, Toronto’s ravines were full of discarded porn magazines. That’s why Toronto guys my age are pretty good hikers.)

Categories
It Happened to Me Music Work

The Final Countdown, Again

Didn’t I just do this?

Once again, it’s my last day at the job, which means I’m cranking that classic of 80’s hair metal: The Final Countdown by Sweden’s gift to rock, Europe.

It’s become a bit of an end-of-job tradition for me that started back at OpenCola, the dot-com that Cory Doctorow co-founded and for which I worked for during those heady last days of The Bubble. In the summer of 2001 when all but seven people (I was one of the seven) were laid off, some wag played The Final Countdown over the office intercom system. Since then, I’ve associated it with departures from a company.

As is now the tradition on this blog, I now present a couple of versions of this song.

First, there’s the video for Europe’s studio version. (I’d post it on this page, but the copyright holders don’t allow that.)

Next, there’s the live version:


Can’t see the video? Click here.

Then, the most painful cover version of The Final Countdown, performed by Deep Sunshine:


Can’t see the video? Click here.

And finally, a Bollywood number that borrows from The Final Countdown’s opening riff. (Once again, the copyright holders won’t let me post it here, in spite of their having no compunctions about ripping off Europe.)

Categories
Geek

The “Dungeons and Dragons” Skit

In memory of Gary Gygax’s passing, here’s a classic video poking fun at Dungeons and Dragons that we used to watch all the time at OpenCola:

Categories
Geek

Gary Gygax: 0 HP

Gary Gygax, the first edition of the “Dungeon Master’s Guide”, D&D dice, D&D figureI’ll have you young whippersnappers know that I only played the first edition of AD&D, the One True Version of the game.

E. Gary Gygax, who as co-creator of the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game, died this morning at the age of 69 at his home in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. As a former dungeon master, I feel the urge to get some mead and pour 2d20 ounces on the ground outside the former Yonge Street location of Mr. Gameway’s Ark for my dead homie.

Requiescat in pace, Gary. You were a natural 20.

Categories
Uncategorized

Hello, American Readers! Get Out There and Vote!

Obama black-and-white “Progress” poster (And remember, if you’re voting Democratic, vote for Obama.)

Categories
Music

For Sale on eBay: Pete Townshend’s Camper Van

Pete Townshend’s camper van

Someone on eBay is selling what they claim to be a VW camper van formerly owned by Pete Townshend of The Who.

Pete Townshend’s camper van

Here’s the first part of the description:

TOTALLY UNIQUE. VW CAMPER OWNED AND LOVED BY PETE TOWSHEND AND PARTNER RACHEL FULLER. PERFECT CONDITION. LESS THAN 4500 MILES. MADE IN BRAZIL IN 2005 – SAME DESIGN AND STYLE AS ORIGINAL BAY CAMPER. ALL OF THE FUN WITH NONE OF THE HEADACHE. AIR COOLED.

Pete Townshend’s camper van

Here’s more:

IT HAS A RAISING ROOF, MAINS LINE HOOK UP, COOKER, GRILL, SINK, JVC CD/RADIO PLAYER WITH 5 SPEAKERS, ROOF VENT, DVD PLAYER AND TV SCREEN. IT HAS LOWERED SUSPENSION AND A SPARE WHEEL WITH MATCHING PAINTED COVER. PERFECT TO DRIVE, THIS WILL NOT BREAK DOWN FOR ANOTHER 100,000 MILES!!(at least).

Pete Townshend’s camper van

Here’s the part of the description that made me laugh out loud:

MANY A SAUSAGE SANDWICH HAS BEEN COOKED AND EATEN BY PETE IN THIS CAMPER. WE WILL BE SAD TO SEE IT GO. IT HAS BEEN SOOOOO MUCH FUN.

I thought sausage sandwiches were more David Bowie’s thing, but hey, it’s Pete’s camper. He can do what he wants in it.

Pete Townshend’s camper van

The auction ended without the reserve price being met (starting bid was £10,000), but if you really want it, I’m sure you can contact the seller and cut a deal.