Not the actual missing USB key from the story, but I want to believe that it looks just like this!
If you’re out and about in downtown Toronto for Boxing Day today and you find a USB key in the Yonge and King area, hang onto it! It has some very interesting content, and its owner will gladly pay a $50 reward to get it back.
He explains it all in the ad he posted to Craigslist:
I lost a 16GB USB Key downtown, in black, on the Staples on Yonge/King. Whoever finds it will find this on it:
- Lots of pics of some ugly red haired guy (Me)
- Lots of pics of Japan (Where I work)
- Lots (Tons actually) of pics of cars
- Some pictures of my penis (I’m not even going to hide this one)
- Lots of pics of naked chicks from the Internet
- Lots of pics of my ex girlfriends naked (Taken with their consent of course)
- A consensual sex video
- A “Logic” mixed tape soundtrack
- My resume (with my number on it)
- Some other awesome shit
I’m not going to beat around the bush. If you’re a guy, and found this, you’re going to think it’s a sick USB drive due to it’s content. You might be hesitant to give it back in fact. If you’re a girl who found this, you might either be disgusted, or conflicted.
However, this USB drive does have a lot of pictures important to me (I could really care less about the nude girls/penis pics – it’s the pics of Japan/Cars I want), and I am willing to offer the finder of this magnificent USB drive ***$50*** for it’s safe return, with all the content on it.
This 50 dollars can buy you an equivalent 5 USB drives, a cheap hooker, some bad blow, or 50 Dollarama bags of candy.
I’m going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that by “consensual sex video”, he means that all the participants in the video (it might not be a girl; and hey, more than two people might be involved) consented to being recorded on video. It’s better than interpreting as “the video features sex in which everyone is a willing participant as opposed to being forced”, and that he needed to spell out that fact for a reason.
I’m also going to assume that the penis self-pics are for use in online dating. I have no idea why, but it’s not all that uncommon for a guy to send a picture of the Johnson, the handy Ham Cannon, the Magnificent Pork Sword (my favourite way of phrasing it), to prospective dates on online dating services. There’s a certain group of guys who somehow think it’s a good idea. It’s far less common with the ladies; in fact, in about a quarter-century of dating, only a couple have ever sent photos of their lovely lady lumps. This is not a complaint; truth be told, I wish it happened more often.
These are also probably not what the USB key looks like, but once again, I want to believe!
You can buy them here.
Long-time readers of this blog will be familiar with what’s written on the sidebar:
Back in high school, after reading Space-Time and Beyond for the umpteenth time and drinking one too many zombies with my friend Henry, we came up with a theory:
In the infinite set of universes, there had to exist a particular universe in which the events in our lives were being watched as a TV show.
We then made a solemn vow to live the kind of life that got high ratings.
I came up with that idea as a high-schooler back in the mid-late-1980s, about a dozen years before USB and USB keys. I may have to revise it to “Live your life in a such a way that if it were a USB key and it went missing, the lost-and-found ad would require you to explain it by saying ‘it’s a long story….'”