Rob Ford will (ahem) go down in history with this quote

The Rob Ford story took a turn for the even more weird today as he gave what is likely to be the most lurid press conference ever given by the mayor of Toronto — and maybe even the mayor of any major North American city. Here’s the audio from that presser:

Here’s the first part of what he said:

I couldn’t comment yesterday cause I didn’t read the documents that was [sic] released.

It’s unfortunate I have to take legal action. I don’t appreciate people calling Alana a prostitute. I’ve never had a prostitute here. I’m very happily married at home. This is very disturbing against my wife. Unfortunately I have to take legal action against Isaac Ransom and George Christopoulos and Mark Towhey. I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing lines at the Bier Markt. That is outright lies; that is not true.

It hurts my wife when they’re calling a friend of mine a prostitute. Alana is not a prostitute, she’s a friend and it makes me sick how people are saying this. So unfortunately I have no other choice. I’m the last one to take legal action. I can’t put up with it anymore.

So I’ve named the names. Litigation will be starting shortly. I’ve had enough. That’s why I warned you guys yesterday, be careful what you wrote.

These remarks were made in response to a report from a police investigation released yesterday containing statements from His Worship’s (the proper honorific for the Mayor of Toronto, even if it is Rob Ford) former staffers telling horror stories about his behaviour at the Bier Markt pub on St. Patrick’s Day 2012, including his chugging vodka straight from the bottle, hurling racial insults at a South Asian taxi driver, smoking weed and doing bumps of cocaine, and hanging with “Alana”, a “suspected escort”.

He then tried to throw in a little distraction by talking about how our football team will beat Hamilton’s:

That’s all I have to say for now. The next thing I want to call Mayor Bratina in Hamilton and tell him that we’re going to have to spank their little Tiger-Cats.

By the bye, the last name of the mayor of Hamilton isn’t “Britannia”, but “Bratina”.

And finally, as what was probably an off-the-cuff afterthought, the money quote:

Oh, and the last thing was Olivia Gondak, that says that I wanted to eat her pussy.

I’ve never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married.

I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.

Thank you very much.

It’s likely that the mayor was citing the classic guy’s quote “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home,” but it comes off completely wrong in the context of his prior statement. I suspect His Worship has even more ‘splainin’ to do when he gets home tonight.

In honour of Mayor Ford’s new low, some appropriate music videos:

You know what verse I’m thinking of from this song…