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#CrimingWhileWhite

Kill nine people in an attempt to start a race war but you’re white and hungry? That’s okay, we’ll get you some Burger King. That’s what the #CrimingWhileWhite hashtag is for!

#CrimingWhileWhite means that when your story gets featured in the news, you’re written up more sympathetically as white a killer of nine than a black savior of one:

If you’re white, the media looks for your graduation photo. If not, they look for your most gangsta one:

Walking while brown? That’s a ground-slammin’:

Here’s Mr. Patel recovering in the hospital after the incident: In case you were wondering, the trial of Eric Parker, former (thankfully) police officer, was delayed for a few months because a crucial witness is out of state until September. Carry your loaded AR-15 while white through an airport, largely to be a dick about it? You’ll get some reasonable questioning, and you’ll live to complain about it: I strongly recommend not doing this if you’re any other color:

Not even with a pellet gun: Crime is cuter when you’re white:

What does a mall cop do when an angry racist white guy threatens a bunch of pro-Palestine marchers and a black guy who’s just trying to get to his destination? Hey, why tell you when I can show you?

Raymond Wilford — he’s the black guy — took a defensive stance, but never threw a punch.

Ah, good, a mall cop! Now we’ll see some justice served.

You go, Paul Blart!

Wait, what?

Oh, sheeeeeeeit.

Here’s video shot by Alex Garland:

The shirtless white guy was never apprehended or even identified. Stuart Hind, the mall cop who maced the wrong guy got off with no charges. And Raymond Wilford will just have to deal with it.

I don’t think the cops would’ve offered Dajerria Becton — she’s the 15-year-old girl who got thrown to the ground and pinned there by (thankfully) ex-police officer Eric Casebolt at the now-infamous pool party in McKinney, Texas — some Burger King? I have my doubts.

You white kids go have your fun #CrimingWhileWhite. I’m going to go brush up on the advice in the videos below…

Joey deVilla