Almost everyone loves “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse.” ALMOST.

First, let me get this out of the way — Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is an amazingly great movie, and quite possibly my favorite Spider-Man in either big- or small-screen form (at the very least, it’s tied with Spider-Man: Homecoming in my mind). Go watch it!

Almost every review I’ve seen is positive. Hell, even the Washington Free Beacon (who do both kinds of politics: conservative and neo-conservative!) and Focus on the Family  (the worst thing they can say is that there’s a graffiti scene) love this film. But there are two notable negative reviews, and both are expected.

The first negative review is from Seattle Weekly, which is only a little unexpected because disliking something immensely popular is more of a Portland thing. Stay wacky, Pacific Northwest!

The second comes from a more expected source: National Review.

In case you’re fortunate enough not to be familiar with National Review, it’s the “respectable” magazine aimed at conservative super-patriots. I’ll remind you that the best description of a super-patriot comes from a panel in MAD magazine from the ’60s:

The review is written by Armond White, their resident nonwhite-film-critic-who-doesn’t-like-nonwhites (he also hated Black Panther). Here’s how he closes out his review:

The review shouldn’t be all that surprising, as National Review was once considered the conservative bible, and I’ll remind you of the best practical definition of conservatism: