Do you remember the Great Reddit Bean Breakup of 2020?

Creative Commons photo by Darius Norvilas. Tap to see the original.

Last year, when the pandemic lockdown was just beginning, Anitra and I adopted the catchphrase “Defend the beans!” as an in-joke between us.

“Defend the beans” comes from a Reddit post from March 2020, which recounts a story of a break-up over a stash of beans. At the time, the number of COVID-19 cases was climbing and the general advice was to stock up on supplies and shop as little as possible.

The poster of the Reddit story had purchases 45 cans on various beans for their pandemic supply. The girlfriend decided that the pantry in their apartment wasn’t a safe enough storage place…and buried the beans in the woods. She also announced plans to bury additional beans in the wood every week.

In the argument that ensued, she voiced her concern that “if things get bad”, the beans would be in danger of being stolen by “looters or whatever”.

She also refused to say where the beans were buried, out of fear that the poster might dig them up. “I will never jeopardize the beans,” she said, unknowingly coming up with the origin of the catchphrase Anitra and I use, and also coming up with something that needs to be turned into a Latin motto.

(Google Translate says that “I will never jeopardize the beans” in Latin is “Et non in discrimen adducat fabam” I know how wonky machine translation can be; if you’re a Latin student and can provide a better translation, please let me know!)

The poster and the girlfriend couldn’t come to an agreement over the issue. She broke up with the poster and moved out.

It’s been over a year since the poster wrote in Reddit, and I can’t help wondering what happened to both of them.

In case you wanted to read the original post, I included it below with a link. Enjoy the read…and defend the beans!

TIFU by demanding that my girlfriend show me where she buried our beans in the woods, causing her to break up with me.

I admit I posted a version of this on the relationship subreddit the other day, but they closed it with no explanation, I assume because they just decided it was fake. I can see how they might think that, but this is a true thing that happened and is happening, and now there is more to it because I actually got broken up with over it.

With all that is going on, we had stocked up on supplies, including some canned goods. I ordered a few weeks ago 30 cans of beans. 10 are black beans, 10 are kidney beans, and 10 are pink beans. Also, I ordered 15 cans of chickpeas. I thought this is a reasonable amount of beans and chickpeas to have every now and then and would last for quite some time.

However earlier this week I opened the cabinet because I wanted to make a vegetarian chili using two cans of beans, but all of the beans were gone. What the hell?

I asked my girlfriend and she told me she buried all of the beans in the woods.

At first I thought she was joking, but she explained, no, she had buried the beans in the woods. WTF?

I asked her to explain and she told me she was afraid that “if things get bad” we might have to worry about “looters or whatever” and that the beans would be in danger of being stolen. I said I thought this was completely ridiculous and unlikely. She became angry at me and said she “is protecting our beans.”

According to her logic, the beans are safely buried in the woods behind our apartment complex, and if we ever need some beans she will go to the “stash” and dig up a can or two, but would prefer if we save them all for “if things get worse”.

I said why only bury the beans, why not bury our more valuable items? She said the canned food was most valuable for long-term means, and that since we get fresh food in our online grocery deliveries, it would make sense to continue to stockpile beans. She intends to go bury more beans in the woods every week.

This was too insane for me and I got very upset. I demanded to know where the beans were buried, and she refused to tell me. She said if I knew she was afraid I’d dig them up, I said damn right I would. She said “I will never jeopardize the beans.”

The following day I tried to put my foot down, and I’m not usually a foot downer but there are rare issues where compromise is out of the question, and I foolishly decided this was one of those issues. I demanded to know where the beans were buried and I told her if she was going to bury beans I paid for in the woods that I would move out. We fought about it and I kept insisting.

In hindsight I should have just let it go and created my own hidden stash of beans in the apartment, and given her time to maybe cool down about this bean burying scenario, but I blew it all out of proportion. Yeah it’s weird to bury beans in the woods but why did I have to press it? What’s the harm at the end of the day? In the grand scheme of things?

But I kept demanding her to take me to the beans, or at least draw a map or something, and finally she BROKE UP WITH ME. Over the beans. I have lost the love of my life because I couldn’t let the damn beans go.

I am in disbelief. She moved out. Not only am I heartbroken but I am now paying full rent instead of 50% which is a huge financial issue for me.

TL;DR – I kept demanding that my girlfriend show me where she buried the beans in the woods and she got so angry at me that she ended our relationship and moved out. My heart is shattered and my finances are jeopardized because of a bean hoard.

Joey deVilla