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America It Happened to Me

Our green card interview

Joey deVilla eats a burger -- that most American of dishes -- after successfully acquiring a green card.
Celebrating my green card status the American way at Burger 21.

Last Thursday — January 26, 2017 — I acquired permanent resident status in the United States, colloquially known as “getting my green card”. The process took about nine months and a little over US$4,000 in processing and lawyer fees, but it’s done, and from a cursory reading of recent news headlines and from what I heard at the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services offices, not a moment too soon.

In case you’ve forgotten or don’t know me that well, there’s a reason why I moved from Toronto to Tampa…

Anitra Pavka and Joey deVilla walk down the aisle at their wedding on St. Pete Beach, with palm trees in the background.
A great day: March 7, 2015, St. Pete Beach.

…and she’s why I started the green card process last April.

With the help of our lawyer, Gerry Seipp, we started the process with me filling out an I-485 form (Application to Register Permanent Residence or Adjust Status) and Anitra filling out an I-130 (the interestingly named “Petition for Alien Relative” document). Using a lawyer wasn’t strictly necessary, but I found that it was well worth the $2,500 to have some professional assistance in navigating through the myriad forms, byzantine processes, and potential pitfalls.

Bob Eubanks, host of The Newlywed Game.

Nine months of paperwork, payments, processes (including a medical exam), and a lot of waiting in between culminated in last Thursday’s appointment at the Tampa U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services office. The appointment is an in-person interview, and its purpose is to confirm that ours was a genuine marriage and not just one of convenience for the purpose of securing a green card.

Gerry told us that in some of these sessions, they separate the spouses and interview them separately, asking questions intended to reveal whether or not they are truly a couple. “Don’t worry about that part,” our lawyer said, “you’re a real couple, and it’ll be just like being on that old game show, The Newlywed Game.

The problem with that reassurance is that when I think of The Newlywed Game, I always think of the infamous moment on the show, often referred to (somewhat incorrectly) as the “That would be the butt, Bob” moment:

Great, I thought. Now that’s all I’ll be able to think of during the interview.

I was planning on wearing a blazer, dress shirt, and dress pants, but asked if I should wear a tie. Since this is Florida, and since not all of Gerry’s clients are professionals, he told us that he’s seen people show up for the interview in shorts and flip-flops.

“You know what?” I said. “I’m going to wear a tie.”

uscis sign
The sign outside the USCIS field office in Tampa.

Our appointment at the Tampa U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services office was scheduled for 12:15 p.m.. We met up with Gerry a half hour prior in order to have some time to talk and go through the airport-style security line, complete with metal detector and baggage x-ray machine.

This was not my first visit to Citizenship and Immigration Services; I’d been there a couple of times before for other parts of the green card application process. Maybe it was our impending interview, but the mood there was noticeably different this time (and keep in mind that this was the day before what’s now known as the Muslim Ban). There was a general level of anxiety in the waiting applicants’ faces that I didn’t see during my previous visits. It probably didn’t help that the TV screens in the waiting room were tuned to various news stations, all of whom were showing the then-breaking story that Mexico’s President Nieto had canceled his meeting with President Trump over his official announcement that the U.S. would build a border wall that Mexico would pay for.

The local immigration lawyers seem to know each other. While we waited for our interview, a number of other lawyers came up to Gerry to say hi. He introduced us to all of them, and we had some brief — and very interesting — conversations with them:

  • One lawyer whose clients had just completed the interview said that the questioning had become more extensive. “My couple got nearly a hundred questions,” he said.
  • The next lawyer shared his observation that the interviewers were becoming increasingly hard on less articulate candidates. “That shouldn’t be a problem for me,” I said, to which he replied “Radio voice. That’ll help.”
  • Another lawyer, who was waiting with his clients for their interview, said “Things are different with you-know-who in charge,” saying “you-know-who” using the same tone of voice that Harry Potter characters use to say “Voldemort”.
  • The most interesting comment came from a lawyer who remarked “If your last name begins with ‘Al’ and ends with ‘i’, let’s just say that you’re not gonna have a good time in that room.”
Kateryna and Arshameh Taidi’s green card interview in Tampa, 2010. Click the photo to read about their interview.

Our turn came, and interviewer was a friendly guy with an easygoing demeanor. In another life, he could’ve easily been in sales or marketing. After the usual introductions and handshakes, he walked us to his office, where Anitra and I took seats in front of his desk, and Gerry took a seat behind us. The seating arrangement wasn’t all that different from the one pictured above.

After a brief swearing-in where we affirmed that everything we would say in the interview was the truth, it began. First came a review of the forms we’d filled out months ago to ensure that all the information they contained was accurate. Then came our turn to provide supporting documentation:

The actual folders I used in the interview. I got to keep the folders, but their contents are now in a file somewhere in the USCIS office.

The guidance on how much supporting documentation to bring to a green card interview is pretty vague — the general rule seems to be “more is better”. I tried to strike a balance between having enough material to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that our relationship was genuine and not spending an inordinate amount of time and printer ink on preparing it. In the end, I believe I printed out about 60 pages’ worth of material, including:

  • Proof that Anitra and I were both professionals with good prospects and jobs that paid well,
  • statements that showed that we had joint bank accounts, insurance policies, and other jointly-owned assets,
  • photos, photos, photos: from our wedding, as well as from life before and after we got married, including our trips to places both near (Disney World, Charleston, Savannah, Bahamas, Toronto, Montreal, Quebec City, Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, San Francisco, and most recently, New York) and (Manila and London, both of which we visited in 2016), and
  • flight itineraries showing that we saw each other monthly before I moved to Tampa in March 2014.

We also provided a sealed envelope containing the results of a medical exam performed specifically for my green card application. The exam took place in August, and a couple of weeks later, I was given in the results in a brown envelope marked “USCIS only — DO NOT OPEN”. Our interviewer opened it, saw that I’d been given a clean bill of health, and then noticed that whoever filled out the paperwork within forgot to specify the clinic where I’d been examined.

“The doctor signed it, which is the important part,” the interviewer said, “but I need to enter a name for the clinic into the system.”

“Mind if I check my phone?” I asked, and a moment later, I had the name and address of the clinic.

The current sample green card.

We must’ve presented well, because the interview wrapped up shortly after that. Aside from being asked if we lived in the same house and if I’ve ever been convicted of a crime or been denied entry into the United States, I don’t recall being asked any of the questions typically asked in a green card interview. We spent most of the interview reviewing the contents of the folders that I brought.

A half-hour after the interview began, it concluded with our interviewer saying “Congratulations. You are now a legal permanent resident of the United States.” He said I should expect the actual green card in the mail in a couple of weeks.

Since my status was gained through marriage and since Anitra and I have been married less than two years, my permanent residence status is conditional and temporary. Two years from now, we’ll have to file an I-751 (Petition to Remove Conditions on Residence) form to seal the deal.

In case you were wondering how I’ve been working in the U.S. since 2014 without a green card: From March 2014 until last summer, I’ve been here under TN-1 (NAFTA Professional) status, and in the process for applying for a green card, acquired I-512 “Advance Parole”.

Categories
America It Happened to Me The Current Situation

My take on last night’s election results

challenge-accepted

I moved from Canada for her…

…and I’m staying for the same reason.

My plan for these soon-to-be interesting times is simple: carry on, watch my back (this year, two people in red caps have yelled at me to “go back to China” — wrong country, guys), speak truth to power and fight the good fight when needed (and oh wow, will it be needed), play the accordion, and follow the wisdom of  Canadian poet Dennis Leigh:

“Work as if you live in the early days of a better nation”.

Categories
America The Current Situation

First they came for the journalists… (or: A t-shirt from today’s Trump rally in Minnesota)

You can’t make America great by turning your back on one of its core values and simultaneously making a a reference to lynching.

The T-shirt design isn’t new — long-time blogger “Digby” wrote about this t-shirt back in 2006.

Categories
America The Current Situation

So much captured in a single photo

Looking at Nate Gowdy’s photo from the Trump rally in Loveland, Colorado, I feel the need to point out a couple of quotes:

“Trumpism stunned America with its exhibition of a substantial, revanchist slice of white working class voters who experience politics as a zero-sum game — a group that would rather burn the house down than witness the economic and cultural ascendancy of other identities.”

— Khan Shoieb, How Trumpism Threatens Silicon Valley, October 20, 2016

Of course, the practice of appropriating or big footing an identity slogan like “Black Lives Matter,” especially to trash it, is an automatic fuck you. What makes a phrase like this so scintillating to the haters, and so toxic to everyone else, however, has to do with every other meaning it dredges up.  The first and most inflammatory one that comes up for me is the most literal one. That’s the reference to (or “the matter of”) guns out there in the hands of blacks. Along those lines, it  incorporates the racist stereotype of violent black dudes and how the white man, with his family to protect, can’t just sit there idle. … As if “WHITE GUNS DON’T.”

Reading the Pictures, Trump Rally Wear Update: Black Guns Matter, October 27, 2016

Categories
America Florida The Current Situation

This Florida woman’s speech at the RNC explains everything you need to know about the Republican platform

In a mere 41 seconds, Florida woman Michelle Van Etten’s gave us the heart of her speech at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, which was such a rambling mess that the ABC affiliate station that posted the video gave it a title that starts with “Yikes”:

Here’s a transcript:

Fast-forward 26 years…going to my high school reunion (my 20th, of course). I decided to scope out the competition, and what I realized — they were driving BMWs and they looked like Barbie.

I was 30 pounds overweight, a stay-at-home mom, and driving a minivan. I decided at that point I needed a change. And I began to dream again.

Note both her body and verbal language: the agitation, the clenched fists, the BMW/minivan comparison, and the use of competition rather than classmates.

She is telling a story that will resonate with a number of voters in these fearful times: a story of envy, perceived failure, and the encroachment of undeserving “others” who somehow took away the success promised to her.

If you’ve got have 7 minutes and 8 seconds to watch the entire thing — a shambles from start to finish — here it is:

Who is this person, who sounds like one of those unintentionally funny people attempting to give a 3 a.m. deep philosophical pronouncement at Denny’s after an epic bar crawl, and as one YouTube commenter astutely observed, seemed “distracted by her own hand motions”?

Okay, maybe she’s not a gifted orator, but she’s a “small business owner” who “employs over 100,000 people”, right?

Until it was corrected on Friday, here’s how Van Etten’s bio on the RNC site described her:

michelle van etten - small business owner
Tap the screenshot to see its source.

Its text reads:

Michelle Van Etten is a small business owner who was recently featured in “The Greatest Networkers in the World” second edition. Michelle employs over 100,000 people and is a strong supporter of Donald Trump, knowing his policies will support businesses all across America.

Read that bio carefully again. She’s a small business owner who employs over 100,000 people. With that many employees, her “small business” would be larger than these dinky little “mom and pop” operations (using data taken from this list of the largest employers in the United States):

“Small” business Number of employees
General Dynamics
(Aerospace, marine, and combat systems, and information technology)
99,500
Apple
(Perhaps you’ve heard of them)
97,200
Exxon Mobil
(As in the oil company)
83,700
Philip Morris International
(Big Tobacco)
82,500
Halliburton
(Yes, as in Dick Cheney’s Halliburton, another oil company)
80,000

 

The RNC site was updated slightly, and it now reads like this:

Michelle Van Etten is a small business owner who was recently featured in The Greatest Networkers in the World second edition. Michelle runs an international multi-million dollar network marketing business with an organization of customers and distributors of over 100,000 people and is a strong supporter of Donald Trump, knowing his policies will support businesses all across America.

Van Etten had to “clarify” matters and in an interview with The Guardian, she said: “I don’t employ. Nobody works for me, because we are all individual contractors, and we all have our own individual businesses.”

Okay, so she doesn’t employ 100,000 people, but that “Senior Vice Chairman Marketing Director” is pretty impressive, right?

That’s what her LinkedIn profile says at the time of writing:

michelle van etten linkedin profile 2016-07-23

If you’ve worked in the corporate world even only a week — or just watch Suitsyou’ve probably looked at the title Senior Vice Chairman Marketing Director and thought “Wow, that sounds like a job title that a thirteen year-old with delusions of grandeur made up by stringing a bunch of ‘business-y’ sounding words together,” and you’d be pretty close to the mark.

Some simple Googling will reveal that this is a title that Youngevity seems to hand out like candy as an award rather than as an executive position.

If you look just below that made-up title, you’ll see a more accurate one beneath it, in smaller letters: “Youngevity Distributer”. And before you ask, “Distributer” is an acceptable spelling in American English, but considered to be an error — or at least not so erudite-looking — in International English.

If her job title seems a little wonky, what appears below it is downright sketchy. Below any job in a resume, which is what a LinkedIn profile basically is, you’d expect to find a description of that job, including the responsibilities of the role, the tasks involved with fulfilling those responsibilities, and any achievements and accomplishments (go ahead and look at mine, for example). Van Etten doesn’t do this; she instead opted to copy and paste Youngevity’s recruiting spiel. You’d think that someone who “runs an international multi-million dollar network marketing business with an organization of customers and distributors of over 100,000 people” would have something impressive to say in their job description.

Okay, so she’s not good at describing her job. She still works at Youngevity, a successful “international multi-million dollar network marketing business”, right?

Your first warning should be what you see when you visit her website, which she lists just below her job title in her LinkedIn profile: challengeshop.my90forlife.com

michelle van etten shop

From appearances (along with the “Youngevity” name), it looks like Youngevity is in the business of selling health supplements. However, upon closer examination, you’ll notice that the “I want to join” button comes before the “I want to shop” button. It’s almost as if they’d rather you join the company rather than buy stuff from it.

The format of the web address “challengeshop.my90forlife.com” suggests that this Van Etten’s site is a small part of a larger site, which you can get to by deleting the first part of the web address and going straight to my90forlife.com. Here’s where the story gets better/worse:

90 for life

On this page, there isn’t a single scrap of information about health supplements. It’s all about enticing you to join the company.

At this point, you should be asking this question: What kind of retail business puts more energy into getting customers to buy into the business than getting customers to buy their goods?

charles ponzi
Charles Ponzi, patron saint of multi-level marketing.

The answer to this question becomes quite clear when you look at this “quick start” document for Youngevity distributors (and yes, their material spells the word as “distributor”):

youngevity brochure cover

Any time someone provides you with a business opportunity using phrases like “quick start to reaching your dreams” and “simple system”, alarm bells should go off in your head.

Here’s page 2, which features a checklist:

youngevity page 2

Note that the first four of the five items in the checklist involve placing an order for product or materials from the organization. Is your Amway sense tingling yet?

Not surprisingly, page 2 is the only page (out of 12) that shows the products that Youngevity purports to sell.

The heart of Youngevity’s business model becomes more apparent on page 4, which instructs you to create a list of prospects:

youngevity page 4

Again, note that prospects aren’t being sold health supplements, but an opportunity to work for Youngevity. This becomes more apparent on page 10, where they provide a “mathematical illustration” of how you could — in theory, if you work really hard — make $120K a year if you make 5 contacts a day, 5 days a week:

youngevity page 10

I suspect that the design for page 11 was created on a dare. They actually include a diagram of their pyramid scheme while doing their damnedest to make it not look like a pyramid. At this point, they might as well just print it as a headline in all-caps — YOUR GULLIBILITY IS OUR BUSINESS MODEL:

youngevity page 11

“Youngevity already has hundreds of million and multi-million dollar income earners,” the document says. I’m going to assume that a printing or editing error caused the end of the sentence to go missing: “…thanks to suckers like you.”

Okay, so Youngevity is a multi-level marketing company. That doesn’t mean that their business is based on duping gullible people, right?

Go read this summary: Are all MLMs scams?

(The answer, by the bye, is yes.)

Okay, so Youngevity’s business model is suspect. Perhaps their health supplements are good, right?

joel wallach titles
Tap Joel Wallach’s suspect credentials to see them at full size.

Youngevity’s founder and the guy behind its supplements, Joel D. Wallach, sports titles that are listed in order of increasing worrisomeness…

  • BS: Bachelor of Science
  • DVM: Doctor of Veterinary Medicine
  • ND: Naturopathic Doctor

…and the Google results for the search terms joel wallach quack should also concern you.

Wallach’s big claim is that all diseases are caused by mineral deficiencies, and he says that 99% of Americans have a mineral deficiency, since we need 90 essential nutrients (this is where his products’ names come from), 60 of which are minerals. One document he cites as proof is actually a 1936 article from Cosmopolitan (back when it was a literary magazine) about a passing mineral fad written by a farmer in Florida (of course).

Wallach also:

If that doesn’t settle matters for you, here’s Wallach talking with infamous conspiracy theorist Alex Jones (who sells Youngevity products and says their vitamins make him feel “crazy”) about why we don’t need vaccines:

Okay, so what have we learned?

For starters, we’ve learned that whoever organized the RNC didn’t worry too much about vetting speakers or reviewing their speeches, or even giving coaching to new speakers. We’ve also learned that:

  • Michelle Van Etten doesn’t employ 100,000 people.
  • She’s not really a marketing director of any sort, never mind a senior vice chairman one.
  • She’s not really an entrepreneur, but a sucker in a business that feeds on people’s gullibility and makes them think they’re entrepreneurs.
  • The business she works for was founded by a con artist and a quack.
  • Her business sense leads her to believe that the United States needs to be run by a businessman like Donald Trump, whose business track record is laid quite clear in this piece:

Van Etten’s speech points to an appalling mix of poor business acumen, misinformation, and misplaced anger over one’s own sub-optimal life choices, and it’s the perfect representation of many voters who are going to be casting their ballots for Trump come November.

Categories
America

Celebrate the 4th of July with this intentionally creepy, unintentionally funny fireworks safety video

safe and happy 4th

It the 4th of July — Independence Day — and here in these United States of ‘Murica, that means fireworks. And the annual intentionally disturbing, unintentionally funny safety video from the CPSC, short for the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

fireworks safety video

The folks at Gizmodo have taken the most visually arresting bits from the CPSC video and turned it into 1-minute, 29-second “highlight reel”, complete with an added Muzak soundtrack:

I can imagine the planning meeting for the video:

CPSC official 1: We need to demonstrate how a bottle rocket can take someone’s eye out in a way that’s presentable to the public, yet gruesome at the same time, and doable with homemade special effects.

CPSC official 2: How about we use some twine or fishing line to guide the bottle rocket to a mannequin’s eye?

CPSC official 1: That’s a good start, but I need more gore. Tasteful gore.

CPSC official 3: I’ve got it! We scoop out one of the mannequin’s eyes…

CPSC official 1 (sitting forward in chair): I’m listening…

CPSC official 3: …and we put a raw egg in the resulting eye-socket!

CPSC official 1: GENIUS! Make it happen! Now remember that we’ve only got an afternoon to do it, and our budget is twenty bucks.

If you’d much rather watch the official video, complete with English and Spanish soundbites from official-looking people and “B-roll” for news organizations who need some additional video shots, here it is:

Categories
America Florida

I had no idea there was such a thing as cookie icing

Photo: A grocery shelf with a selection of several tubes of cookie icing.

Click the photo to see the sugary goodness at full size.

I snapped this photo at my local Publix. I suppose that these are for decorating or spelling out messages on those giant cookies, but I’m also sure that there are some people who buy these because cookies alone aren’t diabetes-inducing enough. You could also use these to liven up your next Catholic mass by icing those bland communion wafers.