Category: Music

Over at the blog Making Light, Patrick Neilsen Hayden asks: “Why is there an entire web page devoted to Iron Maiden album covers with Spongebob Squarepants inserted into them?”

“The starfish came / across the sea / he brought us pain / and mi-ser-yyy…”

I haven’t yet seen Sarah Silverman’s film Jesus is Magic [the site’s audio, which plays automatically, is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!]  a “concert film” featuring her incredibly offenseively funny stand-up comedy act interspersed with her musical numbers, but I’ve heard good things about them. As the closing goodie for the final night of Chanukah, here’s Sarah’s plea to Santa Claus: a song called Give the Jew Girl Toys [3.3MB, MP3]

Happy Chanukah, and Happy New Year as well!

Okay, I’ll admit it — we Filipinos don’t rock the airwaves that much. As far as rock and pop music in North America goes, I can think of only two Pinoys: Joey Santiago from the Pixies and Apl.de.ap (a.k.a. Allen Lindo) from the Black Eyed Peas.

However, Wendy’s people have been bringing the noise from almost the very beginning. From DJ Alan Freed who popularized the term “rock and roll” (and later, “payola”) to the Beastie Boys, the Jewish contribution to rock music is documented online at Jewsrock.org. Big thanks to the wife for pointing out this site!

It’s rather odd that Eight Crazy Nights, Adam Sandler’s animated film about Chanukah, has been translated into the languages of two out of three Axis powers, but it shows how far the world has come in sixty years. Well, that and the fact that the biggest Axis fans probably live in Montana and Saudi Arabia now.

I hear that the film isn’t terribly good, but being good isn’t necessarily what gets a work dubbed into other languages: I believe that Baywatch is still the number syndicated show worldwide.

More than one version of The Chanukah Song exists, each with a new set of celebrities who are at least part Jewish. Part III was written for the movie, but I unfortunately don’t have it. What I do have and now pass on to you is The Chanukah Song Part II [3.7MB, MP3]. Here are its lyrics (which I found online and fixed for bad spelling and ee cummings damage)…

The Chanukah Song Part II

Put on your yarmulke

Its time for Chanukah

So much fun-akah
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights

Instead of one day of presents

We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town

Without a Christmas tree

Here’s a new list of people who are Jewish

Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,

Drinks Manischewitz wine

Then spins a dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives

Loads of Chanukah toys

The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,

Courtney Love is half too

Put them together

What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel

And Flashdance-r Jennifer Beals

Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish

And yes her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulke

Its time for Chanukah

2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffman-akah

celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson:

Still not a Jew

But guess who is,

The guy who does the voice for Scooby-Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew

Then he wasn’t

but now he’s back,

Mary Tyler Moore’s husband is Jewish

‘Cause we’re pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed

On the PGA tour

No I’m not talking about Tiger Woods

I’m talkin’ about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz

Bruce Springsteen isn’t Jewish

But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka

It’s time to celebrate Chanukah

It’s not pronounced Chah-nakah

The C is silent in Chanukah

So read your Hooked on Phonic-kah

Get drunk in Tijuana-kah

If you really really wanna-kah

Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

Adam Sandler first performed The Chanukah Song [3.3MB, MP3] on Saturday Night Live. Written to make Jewish children feel less isolated during Christmas season, The Chanukah Song  is essentially a laundry list of famous Jewish people, and it’s my gift to you for the third night of Chanukah.  Enjoy!

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It took me a while to find a lyrics page for the song that wasn’t rife with ridiculous spelling mistakes or that stupid ee cummings non-capitalization (acceptable for poetry and programming only). For the greater benefit of the Internet, I present the lyrics with proper spelling, capitalization and hyperlinks.

The Chanukah Song

Put on your yarmulke

Here comes Chanukah

So much fun-ukah

To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights

Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree

Here’s a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me

David Lee Roth Lights the menorah

So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli

Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli

Paul Newman’s half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s half too

Put them together…what a fine lookin’ Jew!
You don’t need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock

’Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (both Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke

It’s time for Chanukah

The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-ahs

Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson: not a Jew

But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew (he converted)

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby

Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish — not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is

Well he’s not, but guess who is: all Three Stooges

So many Jews are in showbiz

Tom Cruise isn’t, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica

It’s time to celebrate Chanukah

I hope I get a harmonica

Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah

So drink your gin and tonic-ah

And smoke your marijuana-kah

If you really, really wanna-kah

Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah

The best-known character in the story of Chanukah is Judah Maccabee,

the leader of the revolt against the Greeks and Syrians who had

outlawed the Jewish religion and defiled the temple. Maccabee was give

the nickname “The Hammer” for his Buffy the Vampire Slayer-like ability

to kick serious ass despite being heavily outnumbered. This leads me to

today’s theme, which is “Tough Guys named Hammer”.

Pictured to the left is baseball hall of famer “Hammerin'” Hank Aaron, the home run

king. In his career, he scored a whopping 755 home runs and as of this

writing holds the records for total bases, extra-base hits and RBIs.

Stanley

Kirk Burrell was a kid who acted as an assistant to the owner of the

Oakland A’s. Burrell bore a resemblance to Hank Aaron, which led the

players to give him the nickname “Little Hammer”. Burrell loved

baseball and would’ve loved to have been a major league ballplayer, but

he ended up being famous — at least for a little while — as the

rapper MC Hammer. Although one might doubt his toughness, let me remind

you that it takes a tough, tough man to wear those stupid pants on

national television and not die of shame.

Another musical Hammer is Jan Hammer,

best known for making the soundtrack and theme to that quintessential

1980s show, Miami Vice. Unlike most TV shows, where the music writers

write “stock” theme music that gets used over and over again in the

show’s soundtrack, Hammer wrote a brand new score for every episode. That, along with his willingness to play keytar in public

(which by the way, I do too) makes him a badass in my book.

Those lame-o’s on any version of Law and Order and the science nerds

from any flavour of CSI have nothing on the greatest TV detective of

all time: Sledge Hammer! In this comedy that ran for a couple of years

in the late 1980s, Sledge was a cop didn’t care about those wussy

little details of police work like investigating, gathering evidence or

even yelling “Freeze!”. He cared about what really mattered: filling

perps with as many high-velocity slugs as his aim and magazine would

allow. He often talked to his gun and had an unintentionally ironic

catch phrase: “Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” This catch phrase

would later be sampled as used in the Jesus Jones song Trust Me, the opening track on their bestselling album, Doubt (you know, the one with Right Here, Right Now).

Speaking of law enforcement comedies, here’s one that’s perfect for

Chanukah: The Hebrew Hammer, a Jewish remix of “blaxploitation” movies

like Shaft and Superfly. Here’s the synopsis:

Mordechai Jefferson Carver, aka ‘The Hebrew Hammer’, is an Orthodox

stud, who goes on a mission to save Hanukkah. When Santa Claus’ evil

son Damien is pushed over the edge by his father’s liberal policies, he

does away with the Christian patriarch. Subsequently stepping into his

father’s role, Damien launches a campaign to eradicate the Jewish

Holiday. The Hammer joins forces with Esther, the gorgeous and

dangerous daughter of the world’s top Jewish leader, and his friend

Mohammed, head of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front, to topple the evil

Santa and save Hanukkah for future generations.

If

you’re looking for an entertaining Chanukah rental, steer clear of 

Eight Crazy Nights (it’s not one of Adam Sandler’s better ones, and I

have it on very good authority that it makes kids cry) and rent or buy The Hebrew Hammer on DVD.

For the second night of Chanukah, here are some hammer-themed gifts. First: U Can’t

Touch This by MC Hammer [4.0MB, MP3]. Feel free to put on some silly pants and do

Hammer’s trademark side-to-side shuffle as you light that menorah.

For those of you who are purists, here’s the song that U Can’t Touch This samples: Super Freak by Rick James [3.1MB, MP3].

And finally, here’s a link to the Theme from “The Hebrew Hammer” [2.4MB, MP3].

Update: I watched a fair bit of professional wrestling back when I was in high school, back when characters like Randy “Macho Man” Savage, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Andre the Giant ruled the ring. That’s why I felt some shame when MacDara Conroy pointed out in the comments that I neglected to mention a certain John Anthony Wisniski Jr., better known to wrestling fans everywhere as Greg “The Hammer” Valentine,

whose signature moves included the figure 4 leglock, a number of

awesome suplexes, “The Bionic Elbow” and his namesake, an elbow drop

called “The Hammer”.

Update: D’oh! Eldon emailed me, telling me that I’d missed the toughest of the fictional detectives called “Hammer”, and it was his real name, not a nickname — Mike Hammer, the creation of Mickey Spillane. Most of us remember the Stacy Keach version of the hardest of the hard-boiled private detectives (pictured here).

While Christmas card imagery features often snow, most people here in Canada would consider the forecasted  temperature for Bethlehem rather springlike (10 degrees C / 50 degrees F) and call the forecast for my hometown of Manila almost summery (26 degrees C / 78 degrees F). The Christmas day temperature in Honolulu is expected to be roughly the same, which means that David Hasselhoff, pictured above, could go boogie-boarding to work up an appetite for Christmas dinner if he wanted to. Click the photo [204KB animated GIF] to see a rather mesmerizing animation of Mr. Hasselhoff zipping through the surf.

While you’re zenning out to Mr. Hasselhoff’s antics in the water, may I suggest this as the soundtrack: Bing Crosby singing Meli Kalikimaka [4.1MB, MP3], which means “Merry Christmas” in Hawaiian. Aloha!