Let my footage go

Slightly updated to be even funnier at 1:50 p.m. EST.

Bill Barol’s not a big fan of Cecil B. DeMille’s epic, The Ten Commandments, as he writes in this blog entry:

Watching the annual broadcast of “The Ten Commandments,” I was struck once again by the mind-altering terribleness of it. I mean, I don’t think it makes me irreligious to say that this is one very large stinker of a Bible picture. And this year, as my mind was wandering, I found myself wondering about lines that had been cut from the original release. There must have been some, despite its three-day running time. For example: In the Passover scene, after Eliazar asks why the Israelites eat bitter herbs and Moses answers that it’s to remind them of the bitterness of their slavery, it seems plausible that the screenwriters had Eliazar answer: “But uncle, I work sixteen hours a day in mud over my head, I need no reminders. What am I, stupid?” That line? Cut.

Here’s what I think ended up on the cutting room floor…

DELETED SCENE ONE

The scene: At the coast of the Red Sea, which Moses has parted. In the distance, you can see Moses leading the Israelites across the narrow strip of dry sea bed. In the foreground is the Pharoah’s army’s captain and his lieutenant, debating their next move. The captain points at the firestorm that Moses has cast behind the Israelites in order to slow the army down.

Captain: Look! The fire dies! This is our chance! All right, men, let’s go after —

Lieutenant: Begging your pardon, sir, I don’t want to seem to be advocating cowardice, but…

Captain: But what?

Lieutenant: Well, sir, I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s just better to…uh…let them go.

Captain: Let them go? At the brink of our victory? Have you gone mad?

Lieutenant: Think about it. Their god’s been wiping the walls with us, right? The plagues — the frogs, the locusts, the dust turning into gnats, everyone running out of toilet paper and Kleenex at the same time… And what about that thing with the water? He turned the Nile into blood…and on my laundry day! Do you know what it takes to get blood out of togas? Then that angel of death guy ices all our firstborn sons, mine included! I had everything riding on little Johnny, and now I’ve got to bequeath all my chattels to my younger son Lance, who’s…well, he’s turning out a little…well…fruity. And now that we’ve chased Moses and the Israelites to the sea and think we’ve got him cornered, poof — he cuts a path across the water and blocks us with a giant firestorm.

Captain: Your point being?

Lieutenant: This hardcore god of theirs clearly gets results. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that now, of all times, one of this god’s tricks has just fizzled out? Call me paranoid, but I smell a trap. And besides, our failure to stop their attacks in spite of our wizards, superior numbers and weapons should clearly indicate flaws in our mideast polic–

The captain pulls out his sword and lops off the lieutenant’s head with a single stroke.

Captain: (muttering to himself) Damned liberals and their “blame Egypt first” rhetoric… (To his men) All right, men…let’s roll!

DELETED SCENE TWO

The scene: Moses returns from the mountain with the two stone tablets, only to find that the Israelites are now worshipping a golden calf.

Aaron: Hail the cow. Amooooo.

Moses: What the…? I leave you idiots alone for a couple of days and you go all pagan on me. Don’t you remember all that God did for us? The plagues? The Nile turning into blood? The thing where I turned my nunchucks into deadly snakes? With His help, we got Mesopotamian on their ass!

Aaron: Um…yeah, but…we thought about it and decided that this God person is a little too right-wing. And He’s way too much into gross-outs for our liking. I mean, the frogs, locusts and gnats? Icky. I mean, couldn’t he have come up with, I dunno, a plague of puppies? And the bit where He gave all the Egyptians boils? Ewwww! Half of Cairo was still inch-deep in pus when we left. And as for killing all their firstborn sons, well, isn’t that a little…well, sexist? We’ve been thinking that if He has to resort to fascist tactics like that, the Egyptians have already won.

Moses (screaming): And so you switched gods? You worship this (Points to golden calf) now? You worship something we make freakin’ brisket out of? If you’re going to worship stuff you can find at the deli, why didn’t you save yourself a lot of sculpting work and make a golden…matzoh?

Aaron: I’m sensing a lot of hostility here…

Moses contemplates breaking the tablet with commandments one through five over Aaron’s head, but decides not to. He looks at the cow and realizes something.

Moses: Hmmm…it just occurred to me…we were slaves. Unpaid labour. No pyramid builder’s union. We were dirt poor with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Where did you get enough gold to make this false god?

Aaron (nervously): Uh….we found it. Yeah, we found it. You know, near that place beside the thing…you know…

Special memo to my sister and brother-in-law

Dear Eileen and Richard,

I know it’s a little soon, what with you guys having gotten married only two and a half years ago, but I think now would be a good time for you guys to renew your wedding vows. Why?

Because you can now get wedding cakes made out of Krispy Kreme donuts!

Love,

Joey

(I found the story at Bill Barol’s blog.)

That didn’t come out right

During the commercial breaks for the CBC mini-series dishing the dirt on the life of former prime minister Pierre Trudeau, a voice-over announced: “This show has been brought to you by Canadian cheese.”

And while I’m on the Trudeau mini-series…

…could we please revoke the law that says that uber-nebbish Don McKellar

has to appear in every TV series and movie made in Anglophone Canada?

His range of expression seems to run the gamut from A

to…A-and-a-half. As a guy with interesting things to say, he’s pretty

cool, but as an actor, he is less interesting that most trout I have

eaten.

Now if we can only get the majorettes to wear these big red codpieces…

I found this pretty cool version of Word Up [1.5MB MP3] that was performed by a high school marching band.

I don’t know what’s been happening over at Blogger (the Web service I use to make entries in and maintain this weblog), but the trouble seems to have passed. Unfortunately, it’s time for me to hit the gym and run some errands, so today’s posting will be somewhat delayed.

In the meantime, here’s some interesting reading:

• Let’s Eat Rice! I get kind of twitchy if I don’t have at least one meal with rice per fortnight. Dad can hold out for about three days, I think.
• I always give the street kids a cut of my busking money, but someone’s done one better and set up an interesting charity site called ModestNeeds.com.
• Remember the big story about the Microsoft/Unisys Anti-Unix site being hosted on a Unix server? They’ve very quickly moved it to a Windows server. So quickly, in fact, that the following ports on it are open: 21 (FTP), 25 (SMTP), 80 (HTTP), 110 (POP3), 443 (HTTPS), 1433 (SQL Server), 1755, 1801, 1972, 1975, 2103, 2105, 2107, 3306, 3372 and 5900 (VNC). This is the high-tech equivalent of locking your front door with a deadbolt, but leaving a few windows and a doggie-door wide open.
• My friend Adina’s sister Lisa, who lives in Israel, has this little writeup about what it’s like there right now — not from the point-of-view of a military analyst or a news reporter, but just an ordinary civilian, like me, and (presumably) most of you. I’m very thankful that the worst of my problems seem to be hunting down a job, finding a new roomate to help absorb some of the rent, my “club” accordion needing some minor repairs and the fact that this cute girl didn’t show up at my gig last Saturday.
• Bringing karaoke to everyone: Taito, the company that revolutionized the videogame world with Space Invaders, is now going to revolutionize karaoke. Using the CSound programming language, they’ve developed technology that will enable a karaoke machine to adjust the pitch of the music to match the user. Supposedly even the most tone-deaf person will now seem to have perfect pitch.
• Hey mister, I really like your free concert…Custom — yeah, the guy who does the song Hey Mister is playing at the next New Music Tuesday (April 9th) at the Horseshoe Tavern, which is conveniently located right around the corner from my house. And yes, as with all New Music Tuesdays, there’s no cover.
• Lindy vs. Lindi: When homophones collide! Yup, this Saturday at C’est What (SE corner of Front Street East and Church), you can see both Lindy, the gentle giant of folk rock and Lindi, the sweet-voiced, skimpy-dressin’ cabaret singer with the firefighter cute accordion player.

And now, I’m off to the gym to make myself Toronto’s most buff accordion player, although I suspect that’s not saying much.

Because I can’t wait for that Jesus artist to get around to doing one with an accordion player…

…I decided to take matters into my own hands. The Lord helps those who help themselves, right?

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, perhaps you should see the original artwork.

Michael Frasse has an interesting essay on the Arts and Farces site called When Elephants Dance that covers the battle between the entertainment industry and everyone else. Here’s some stuff from the essay:

When elephants dance, it’s best to get out of the way. That’s exactly what’s happening now as the entertainment industry — the recording, publishing, and motion picture industries, mainly — attempts a worldwide intellectual property power grab with two distinct targets. Think of it: a coup and a lock on all published content in the same year, amazing isn’t it?

Target number 1 is the average customer: anyone who purchases software, an audio CD, an electronic book, or a movie on DVD. The entertainment industry sees customers as pirates, plain and simple. In their collective mind’s eye, we all have a wooden leg, eye patch, and a filthy talking parrot on our shoulder. While the Constitution grants customers certain rights with regard to copyrighted material, the entertainment industry very much wants to separate us from those rights.

Target number 2 in the sights of the entertainment industry are technology behemoths like Microsoft, Intel, IBM, and Apple. These companies, in the perverse worldview of the entertainment industry, make the tools — computers mostly — that allow customers to practice their piracy.

He covers a lot of ground in the essay: copy-protected CDs, Internet radio, copyright, moral rights, the DMCA, the CBDTPA and the entertainment industry’s “soft money” donations made to the Hollywood ass-kissing senators who introduced it:

And finally, he proposes these measures:

• Revert the term of copyright to 14 years, immediately and retroactive to all existing works.
• Recognize moral rights in the works authors create, like every other civilized country on the planet. Make it immediate and retroactive to all existing works.
• Prohibit any corporation from owning a copyright. Corporations create nothing; they’re consensual hallucinations and exist at our pleasure. I don’t know about you, but I’m not much pleased any more.

Make sure you check it out.

More musical notes

O Crest Whitestrips Where Art Thou?

From this story in the New York Times (free registration required):

The Grammy success of “O Brother” (a total of five awards), the album’s subsequent No. 1 ranking on the Billboard chart (above Brandy and Alanis Morissette) and its impressive sales of 4.4 million copies have all seemed to send a message to the country music industry.

Well, the album did send a message, and that message has been received and marked: Return to Sender.

…

If there’s one culprit in the current state of country music, it may be Crest Whitestrips. Yes, Crest Whitestrips, the new dental whitening system. Because when you point a finger at Crest Whitestrips, you’re pointing at Procter & Gamble, the product’s maker and one of the largest purchasers of radio advertising time. And the major advertisers are the people who really control what you hear on the radio, especially country radio.

You can keep your Garth Brooks. I’m listening to this guy instead.

Lollapalooza returns?

1991 was a really exciting time for music. It very clearly marked the end of what I what I used to call “The Great Music Drought” that began in the latter half of the ’80’s, when Cheese Metal bans walked the earth and formerly respectable outfits like R.E.M. and U2 started putting out crap ballads (“They think that ‘slower’ means ‘deeper”, my pal George used to say).

In 1991, the Machester scene brought a fusion of guitar pop and dance. Techno was just getting started; even then The Prodigy were already cranking out some catchy tunes, and Messiah was doing the rock-meets-electronic music thing long before The Crystal Method. Raves were still interesting and new, and I have the goofy hat and pants to prove it. In the Pacific Northwest, a bunch of bands were mixing the best elements of punk and metal, while farther south, groups like Jane’s Addiction and the Red Hot Chili Peppers were doing the same with funk and metal. Father east, bands like Sonic Youth and a new group calling themselves Smashing Pumpkins were doing wonderful Hendrix-esque things with guitar noise. Near and dear to my heart, groups like Ministry, KMFDM and Nine Inch Nails were proving that the keyboard was not a wimpy instrument. Before today’s obsession with bling-bling, hip-hop was mutating into interesting strains, what with Black Sheep, Del the Funkee Homosapien on the West Coast, Public Enemy, Boogie Down Productions and Das EFX on the east coast and Urban Dance Squad and MC Solaar out in Europe. Hell, even the pop fluff was better — give me Black Box over Eiffel 65 any day. It was a great time to be a DJ, which — funny enough — I was.

1991 also marked the first year of Lollapalooza, which had a pretty varied line-up: Siouxie and the Banshees, Ice-T and Bodycount; Nine Inch Nails, Butthole Surfers, Living Colour and Jane’s Addiction, all on the same stage. The ’92 lineup was still pretty decent, but by the last show in 1997, its lineup had already skewed towards cheese-metal, and we were yet in another Great Musical Drought with Korn on one side and Britney on the other.

Now it seems as though Lollapalooza will be coming back in 2002. And this time, Clear Channel — the people who brought you homogenized broadcast radio — will have something to do with it.

Argh.

Between what’s going on with my two lines of work — computers and music — I may have to go looking for a new career. Maybe children’s television.