The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century

Two follow-ups to yesterday’s article, Naked no-name molly-dropping model home-ruining Florida Man!:

1. With Facebook’s help, Jacksonville Police ID’d him in an hour

He didn’t have any ID on him, and gave a number of names when asked — Chance, Cecil, Randolph, and Three — so the police posted his photo and asked for the public’s help in identifying him. They got his name within an hour:

2. It turns out that “damaged the property” was indeed a euphemism

The initial report kept things a little vague by simply stating that he “damaged the property” of the model home he broke into. It turns out that he peed into one of the bathtubs, which by Florida Man standards, and considering that he was trippin’ on ten hits of Molly, is pretty tame.

If you’ve ever been annoyed by someone at a concert who insists on making a video recording of the entire damned show, blocking your view, and forcing you to view the event through their screen, you’ll love Marky Ramone’s Smartphone Swatter!

Jacksonville police were called to deal with a man indecently exposing himself in a model home. The man entered a model home that was unlocked and unoccupied, stripped naked, and then left to walk about the neighborhood au naturel. He then broke into a fully-furnished home, where he’s reported to have “damaged the property” (I suspect bodily functions are involved). Police entered that home, at which point Naked Guy locked himself in the bathroom. He eventually exited and was taken into custody without incident.

I like how the WTLV account says that “the suspect did not have any identification”. He apparently identified himself to the officers with a set of names:

• Chance
• Cecil
• Randolph
• Three

That last one’s my favorite.

He was eventually identified as Cecil Warner, and unsurprisingly admitted to having taken 10 MDMA (“Ecstasy” to Gen-Xers, “Molly” to Millennials) pills on Monday morning. Florida Man doesn’t need to wait for Friday to get his party on!

This is a Google Street View of the Lido Lounge. Click to see it in its full-size glory.

This may actually be more of an Ohio Man story than a Florida Man story, but since it involves a Florida Man in a situation that could’ve been averted with all-too-uncommon common sense, it’s a Florida Man tale.

Antonio Cummings, age 24 and hailing from Orlando, spent last Friday evening at a friend’s birthday at the Lido Lounge, a strip bar in Cleveland (and the cheerful-looking institution pictured above). In the parking lot (also pictured above), he ended up in a discussion with a man known only as “Mike” about the relative merits of Florida’s and Ohio’s strip clubs. A combination of state pride and the strong possibility that Antonio was winning — let’s face, in Ohio, I’d be considered skinny — led Mike to use the tried-and-true American debating tactic: shooting the opposing speaker in the leg.

If you’re looking for some amusing lunchtime reading, go check out the reviews on the Lido Lounge’s Yelp page (it has an overall 3.5-star rating), and enjoy these Yelp user-submitted photos:

This one has a certain Ansel Adams quality to it. I love the bike — it says “I’m saving the earth and checking out strippers! It’s win-win!”

I want to say that he’s going for a Rodin’s “The Thinker” pose, but this is Ohio. He’s probably adjusting “the boys” before entering the club.

Actually, the rainbow is leading you to the pot of gold at the Advance Auto Parts behind the Lido.

Where else would you want to spend the last Saturday before Christmas?

Three observations:

1. Those are some pretty good deals if you’re willing to forego first world hygiene.
2. Does every strip club have to employ someone named “Candy”? Or do they simply assign that name to an employee, a la Dread Pirate Roberts?
3. Whenever I hear the name “Candy”, I’m reminded of this scene from Highlander:

This car was headed in the direction of Land O’ Lakes, which promotes itself as the “Nudist Resort Capital of the World”, and where the neighborhood scenes where Edward Scissorhands were filmed.

I leave making a connection between the two to the Gentle Reader.