“Why Do the Terrorists Want to Hurt Me?”

Via the blog titled World O’ Crap, here’s something that hits such ridiculous heights that it’s quite hard to tell whether or not it’s the genuine thing or a skillful parody: it’s Why Do to Terrorists Want to Hurt Me? by Archibald Campbell. It’s a children’s book in Flash animation form that attempts to explain to America’s children, some of whom are too young to recall Setember 11, 2001, what’s at stake.

Here’s the title page. Yes, the terrorists are watching you say your prayers before bed:

The book opens with its narrator — a squeaky-voiced kid — running through a laundry list of things that make him happy. Things like videogames, NASCAR races, Yankees jackets and kittens. It’s reminiscent of the list recited between verses in America, Fuck Yeah! in the movie Team America: World Police.

But the terrorists? They’re not into any of that hooh-hah. Especially the kittens:

As Goebbels and anyone in public relations will tell you, repetition is important if you want to get your message across:

According to the book, we’re under constant surveillance by terrorists in bad hiding places wearing even worse disguises:

You can’t even do your grocery shopping without being followed by some terrorist spook:

And your classmate “Akmad” may be leading the class in math, but he’s also leading the terrorist’s advance scout operations…

Ah, finally, the good part — how do I keep safe from the terrorists?

One thing you can do is report all suspicious, smelly, brown-skinned people who have been rolling in their own filth:

Remember, kids, paranoia begins at home!

And be sure to reinforce that paranoia through a steady feed of broadcast and cable news:

And finally, the most important thing you can do to keep safe is…

Upcoming Archibald Campbell Pieces

These haven’t been finished yet, but I’m waiting with bated breath for the day they get reelased!

Here’s the blurb for The Bible Says “Boys Wear Pants, Girls Wear Dresses”:

“The Bible Says…” series educates our youth about the Christian Fundamentals of our great country. In the first book we are taught that God has created boys and girls to be different from one another and to follow their ordained roles in life. Your children will learn that being a part of this great land requires certain convictions in the way we dress, act and worship, and that God has a wonderful plan for children who wish to be good little boys and girls.

Here’s the blurb for Border Out of Order:

Johnny Freedom has a problem; whenever he goes to the ice cream shop, or passes by the basketball court or even when he is sitting in class, the people around him sound strange and don’t make sense! When Johnny goes to the doctor to have his ears checked, he finds out that, his ears aren’t “out of order,” it’s the border. This book shows how foreign languages and illegal aliens are working to undermine the security and the values of our country. Your children will learn about the broken borders and the invasion we natural citizen’s face everyday. Your children will also learn about our Minutemen Heroes and how they are working to protect our freedom.

Earnest wingnut kids’ books or parody? It’s really hard to tell.